January 22, 2013

24 reasons why Trick 'r Treat sucks!

Inspired by a discussion I had on Vampire Freaks, I rewatched one of my least favourite horror movies of all time and compiled a list (with timings) of all the reasons why "Trick 'r Treat" (2007) sucks.

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1. 4:43 - Emma's death. Everything happens under the sheet. You don't see anything but the blood stains. Aftermath shown at 6:20. Nothing special. Stupid "Creepshow" ripoff.

2. 15:00 - Fat kid puking. Meh. Too over-the-top and fake.

3. 21:52 - Killing the fat kid. You don't see anything. Again, it's all under a blanket.

4. 22:56 - Lame jump scare performed by a little kid.

5. 24:57 - Fat kid's severed head on potter's wheel. Nothing special. Very quickly shown aftermath again.

6. 28:10 - Sexy "vampire" bit, but nothing to see except the bloody aftermath. This is an R-rated movie? Puh-lease!

7. 30-38 mins - It's just "The Goonies" meets "Are You Afraid of the Dark"! Bah! All kids. It's a little kids' movie! There are no characters to care about either.

8. 43:45 - Very brief fake intestines shot. Blink and you'll miss it. It's all a giant prank anyway. Lame.

9. 47:47 - Dead zombie-ghost kids aren't scary. Looks like a zombie walk.

10. 50:28 - Nice dress on the girl on the left with the cleavage, but no nudity from her! What a nasty tease.

11. 53:48 - Blink and you'll miss it, Wilkins' protruding broken bone. That's as gory as it gets.

12. 55:01 - Briefest flash of boobs possible during the sexy werewolf dancing. I will admit that the werewolf transformation is fairly original except that it looks even faker than the similar scene in "A Company of Wolves".

13. 56:19 - You don't see the werewolves tear Wilkins apart. It cuts to the kid with a tater sack on his head watching. Most unsatisfying.

14. 1:06:12 - Very quick knife cut to Kreeg's Achilles tendon. Not bad but the cut is too high up, and you don't really see it happen.

15. 1:07:33 - Broken glass on palms. Meh! Corn syrup and bits of glass.

16. 1:08:05 - Tater sack kid on ceiling. Stupid and a ripoff of the equally silly scene in "The Exorcist III".

17. 1:09:30 - Shooting the tater sack kid in the head at point blank range with a shotgun doesn't have the splatter you would expect. His pumpkin head should be all over the walls!

18. 1:11:00 - Tater sack kid's dismembered but still living and crawling hand. "Evil Dead II", anyone? Gah!

19. 1:11:15 - The only "adult" line and one which sums up the whole movie!

20. 1:13:08 - No stab to be seen. Aftermath reveals twist. There was no stab except for a lolly going into a candy bar!

21. 1:15:10 - Stupid "A Christmas Carol" ending. Kreege is Scroooooooge! Humbug! All the stories suck in this anyway.

22. Plus every time one of the characters even mildly swears there's a comment about it. The werewolf girls are told off because there are kids present. The fat kid's murderer tells his son off for swearing, and the retarded girl tells the pretty blonde girl off for saying "Damn". The strongest words seem to be "ass", "asshole" or "screw" and each one is only used a couple of times. Pathetic and unrealistic dialogue.

23. Basically, it's so kiddified and not scary that "Trick 'r Treat" barely counts as a horror movie at all. At the same time, the 5 seconds of nudity and gore mean that little kids aren't legally allowed to watch it. It fails for either audience. It's almost a comedy except that it isn't funny either. No wonder it went straight to DVD and didn't get a theatrical release.

24. Anyone who likes this movie is either a small child or a moron.

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