December 5, 2016

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (2016)



"When Jacob discovers clues to a mystery that stretches across time, he finds Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. But the danger deepens after he gets to know the residents and learns about their special powers."

Really fucking good! I'm amazed at how much I enjoyed this, especially considering that it's a kids' film by Tim Burton.

Obviously, I only watched it because Eva Green is in it, and she does not disappoint. In fact, I don't think I've seen her give a bad performance in anything so far. She's not as sexy as she was in "Dark Shadows", "Sin City 2", or "300: Rise of an Empire", but then again, she's not playing that kind of role this time either.

Even though "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children" is more or less a ripoff of Marvel's "X-men", it's beautifully filmed, almost flawlessly acted, and has lots of surprises in the casting. Samuel L. Jackson chews scenery brilliantly, Terence Stamp is used far too sparingly, but you can't complain when even Rupert Everett is in it too!


As expected, the characters and plot (based on yet another YA novel which I have no intention of ever reading) are a bit weird here and there, and the CGI Slender Man/Jack Skellington-wannabe (a lot like the one in this year's "Blair Witch") makes several appearances (because that's the scary thing now, apparently), but it's not an excessive Tim Burton fantasy. In other words, there's no Johnny Depp or Helena Bonham Carter being overly "eccentric" to spoil it.

I'd even go so far as saying that "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children" is an "epic" children's adventure. A few nods to (or obvious "borrowings" from) other well known classics for the same age group are noticeable without being cliché, and it all just works. Admittedly, a major part of the story involving "time loops" falls apart under closer scrutiny at the end, as happens with every "time loop" sci-fi or fantasy movie ever made, but the target audience are unlikely to notice.

Highly recommended for all ages, and definitely one to buy when it gets released on DVD and blu-ray. If it's still playing at a cinema near you, catch it while you can.

Oh, and [SPOILER] Judi Dench's character dies in it, which is always a bonus!

December 4, 2016

Arrival (2016)



"When mysterious spacecraft touch down across the globe, an elite team - led by expert linguist Louise Banks - is brought together to investigate. As mankind teeters on the verge of global war, Banks and the team race against time for answers - and to find them, she will take a chance that could threaten her life, and quite possibly humanity."

So, I watched 2 hours or more (trust me, it felt longer) of this utter shite based on a novel about alien octopusses which look like the Cloverfield monster, and I can now safely say that it was boring as shit and didn't make any fucking sense whatsoever.

I'm not some fucking thickie who can't decipher movies, but "The Arrival" is such a fucking artsy-fartsy, tangled mess that there's no explanation possible for what it's supposed to be about without drifting into some obscure philosophical bollocks which nobody normal knows about or has ever read anyway. No moral, no message, none of the most obvious questions answered, nothing memorable, just piss poor storytelling. It doesn't even have Charlie Sheen in it!

Here come loads of spoilers because fuck this movie.

She looks about as happy as I did watching this horseshit.

Basically, some ovaloid spaceships appear all over the world, and the aliens inside look like scary octopusses, or walking hands, or spiders. Take your pick, they are all nasty. The ugly motherfuckers walk like disembodied hands and squirt ink. Whatever the fuck they are, you wouldn't want one swimming up your arse.

A woman linguist (played by Amy Adams) with no make-up (because she's a scientist and clever, yawn!) and a bunch of other nondescript scientists go aboard one of the ships and attempt to communicate with the octopusses, but because the military are involved, someone (predictably) sets a bomb off during one of their missions, and the story starts again, and again, and again. Not like "Groundhog Day", but like someone fucked up editing it all together.

There's a little girl involved and a baby who may be the same person, and both are the linguist's daughter or the linguist herself. Both or all of them are destined to die of some horrible incurable disease which probably came from the octopusses. I'm fucked if I know. By this point, I'd developed a serious case of Forest Whitaker eye (yeah, he's in it too) and didn't care about anything. No action, no ray guns, no boobs, no blood, no cats. Why does something like this even exist? Oh yeah, because nerds and cucks like sci-fi.

After a scene more of less straight out of "The Abyss" (another slow movie which is also boring as shit), the aliens communicate with subtitles then leave. The linguist phones a Chinese scientist guy to tell him what his dead wife's last words were, and we're back to the linguist, and the little girl, and the baby again. Apparently she's married to the Jeremy Renner scientist guy now too, because that isn't predictable at all.

And none of it makes any fucking sense!!!!

Why are they here? Fucked if I know.

8.4 on the IMDb? Give me a fucking break. It's not even worth 1 out of 10. This is complete and utter shit from beginning to end. Allegedly, it rips-off Samuel R. Delany's "Babel 17" too.

I can't wait to see how badly director Denis Villeneuve fucks up the "Blade Runner" sequel with more style over substance now. Actually, I'm not. I won't be watching it.

November 29, 2016

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)



"The adventures of writer Newt Scamander in New York's secret community of witches and wizards seventy years before Harry Potter reads his book in school."

Meh, there's nothing too original or exciting in "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them". As many have noticed, it really is like a "Doctor Who" special mixed with "King Kong" mixed with "Pokémon".

The lead who I can't be bothered to look up the name of (Edit: it's Eddie Redmayne) channels Matt Smith so much that he might as well be Matt Smith. He has the same mannerisms, awkwardness, and dress sense. He even has a bowtie, uses his wand like a sonic screwdriver, and carries a suitcase with Tardis properties. I'm not calling J.K. Rowling a plagiarist, but... yeah, this is either plagiarism or a really blatant homage, take your pick.


For those who care, Colin Farrell is more than tolerable, and Johnny Depp gets less than a minute of screen time roughly 5 minutes from the end.

Other than that, and the abundance of CGI, "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" isn't the worst thing I've ever seen. The period setting in New York works well, and I expect American Harry Potter fans will love it. But because I'm not ten years old, and I loathe all things Harry Potter, it didn't do anything memorable for me.

As theatrical family films go, it's okay-ish. The creatures aren't very scary, and the story is easy to follow. It's just so below average in every other way that it's hardly one of this year's "must sees".

October 20, 2016

Hudson Horror Show 14: 35mm Film Festival Announcement


"The Rules of Hudson Horror Show" Trailer:



Official press release:

Hudson Horror Show #14, the Hudson Valley’s only 12-hour 35mm retro movie marathon will take place December 3rd, 2016 at the South Hills Cinema 8 in Poughkeepsie, NY. Limited tickets are on sale now and are just $38.00 in advance and only available at www.hudsonhorror.com. We’ll have six movies, all projected off 35mm film!

The show just got far more brutal as we are proud and well a little scared to let everyone know that the latest addition to our fall show is… 1978’s horror/exploitation classic I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE!

Starring the beautiful Camille Keaton and produced and directed in 1978 by Meir Zarchi, this movie is so violent that it was still named by TIME in 2010 as one of their Top 10 Most Ridiculously Violent Movies ever! Critic Roger Ebert reviewed the movie and claimed it to be the “worst film ever made” and said that it was a “vile bag of garbage”. The vicious and stomach turning gang rape, the violent and brutal castration and murder scenes are so intense that the complete version of the film is still banned in England and Ireland to this day! Can YOU sit through it all?

We are very excited to be presenting a 30th anniversary screening of THE HITCHER! Three decades back this great little stalk and slash road picture didn’t make much of a splash at the box office, but it became a cable TV staple in the late 80’s and early 90’s. See Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howell (in whiteface) in their greatest roles!

The trailer at our last show was met with thunderous applause so we knew we had to track down one of the last know surviving film prints of the original DEATH RACE 2000! Forget the sanitized remake, nothing can compare to David Carradine, Sylvester Stallone and Mary Woronov running people over cross country in this futuristic sci fi classic!

Jordan Garren, that maniac from the B Movie Film Vault, presents one of our two fisted headliners, THE HOWLING! Directed by Joe Dante and starring Dee Wallace, Patrick Macnee and Robert Picardo, THE HOWLING still stands tall as one of the greatest werewolf movies of all time. The special effects of Rob Bottin always looked great on TV, but trust us; the transformation scenes need to be watched on the big screen!

Our second headliner also features the wizardry of the Maestro Rob Bottin and that is 1987’s ROBOCOP! Yeah, we know all of the sequels and remakes sucked, but Director Paul Verhoeven’s cyborg movie is a five star masterpiece! Seriously, this movie is damn near perfect. You’ll run out of the theater yelling lines like “I’ll buy that for a dollar”, “I work for Dick Jones” and “Your move Creep”!

We will also have the ever-enigmatic MYSTERY MOVIE!! Will it be a slasher classic? Maybe we will show another terrible rubber monster movie? We are keeping tight lipped on this one, but we will tell you that is definitely, 100% a horror movie!

As usual, the two lobbies at the theater will be packed to the gills with vendors selling t-shirts, DVD’s, toys, posters and so much more. Interested in being a vendor? Send us an email to info@hudsonhorror.com. Tickets are not needed to shop the vendor’s area, but you will need a ticket to watch the movies.

Just like the last few shows, we will be booked in two different rooms in the same movie theater. One room is already long sold out; tickets are moving fast for the other. It doesn’t matter which room you sit in because both rooms will see the same exact movies, just in a different order. Get your tickets now at www.hudsonhorror.com. Just $38.00 in advance for 12 hours of 35mm movie madness!

We will see you on December 3rd, 2016 for Hudson Horror Show #14! Tickets on sale now at www.hudsonhorror.com.