February 1, 2017

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)



"Alice returns to where the nightmare began: The Hive in Raccoon City, where the Umbrella Corporation is gathering its forces for a final strike against the only remaining survivors of the apocalypse."

There's no point writing any kind of in-depth review of "Resident Evil: The Final Chapter". It's just as disappointing and "samey" as all of the "Resident Evil" movies, and it's even more boring than playing one of the linear computer games that it's based on.

With lots of overly dramatic music, big bangs and explosions, crowds of zombies, close-up hand-to-hand combat, surprise T-virus mutated-zombie jump scares, and too much reliance on timers to create tension (which nearly always falls flat), you will rightly wonder who exactly this movie is intended for other than diehard fans. It certainly wasn't intended for me or anyone looking for characters with any depth or a story that can't be summarised in more than three sentences.


The only character to stand out even a little bit is Isaacs (played by Iain Glen, otherwise known as Ser Friendzoned from "Game of Thrones") who goes through various incarnations of being either a clone or the real Isaacs until you don't care which is which. Various other characters from the previous movies return as little more than cameos. Wesker, the Red Queen, and Claire whatever-her-name-is (played by Ali Larter) all get dressed up to play pretend for hardly any reason.

The rest is just a mess of running around and fighting in the dark with CGI everywhere and computery things popping up to remind you that this is all based on the Capcom console game which nobody has played since the late 1990s. It's not difficult to follow what little story there is, but it's not worth paying too much attention to it either.

There's a bit of anti-Christian nuttery to make it appeal to the Lefties, but since the motivation of the bad guys and subtext is blatantly more akin to the the rise of the SJW religion/virus and the rioting zombies who subscribe to that ideology, it comes across as a pathetic and hilarious misfire.


Sadly, the once uber hot Milla Jovovich really looks her age now (and more so, once you get the in-joke that I've just made), so I'm glad this is "The Final Chapter". Any more would be as embarrassing as middle-aged James Bond.

January 14, 2017

Passengers (2016)



"A spacecraft travelling to a distant colony planet and transporting thousands of people has a malfunction in its sleep chambers. As a result, two passengers are awakened 90 years early."

Yes, I'm sure you've already heard the runours, "Passengers" is just a "chick flick" set in space. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hurl... or something like that. Probably more of the latter than the former, regardless of which gender (from the thousands of fictitious ones) you might claim to be.

It looks good, has great effects, and has much better acting than the story deserves. It'll also hold your interest, as it did mine, right to the end. But then you'll think, "Damn, fooled again!" There's nothing here which you haven't seen done a hundred times before but in more terrestrial locations.

For the most part, I enjoyed "Passengers". Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence make a likeable but ill-matched couple, and Michael Sheen is a little bit too perfect as the robot barman. Even the spaceship is quite cool. The trouble is that the plot outline was probably written on the back of a stamp by someone who watched "Wall-E" (and possibly a very small part of "Silent Running") as a child.


With nothing of any substance here, "Passengers" is ultimately an easily consumed and instantly forgettable January movie, and to make matters worse, it's filled with nauseating self-sacrifice propaganda.

Next!

December 23, 2016

2016 - The Year in Review

Damn, it's that time of year again when all the movie bloggers post top ten lists influenced by their political ideologies. So, while they cross-promote and virtue-signal each other like crazy people, I'll just calmly sidestep the circle-jerk by not making any lists whatsoever.

Once again, there haven't been enough horror movies this year to make a "Top 10 Best Horror Movies of 2016", let alone another "Top 10 Worst Horror Movies of 2016" to accompany it. Even combining all the movies from other genres which I've watched this year, it would be impossible to find 20 in total which I feel like mentioning again. It's really been that bad.

Cue the comedy tumbleweed...

Same time next year, Mr Tumbleweed?

Movies I Enjoyed in 2016

There were a few movies I liked, but apart from "Gods of Egypt", "The Huntsman: Winter's War", and "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children", none of them were from this year.

In October, I went on a minor journey into some Hitchcock classics with "The Birds" and "Rebecca", but I couldn't sustain enough interest in old movies I'd already seen dozens of times before to continue. I also discovered that I don't actually own DVDs of the more famous Hitchcock movies to make a series out of it and found myself slipping away from horror towards what can only be described as "great works of A-level English literature turned into dumbed-down movies for the plebs". I was just about to review "Great Expectations" when I realised that I couldn't stand any more of that horribly dated old bollocks. Even "The Joy of CeX" and their ridiculously low prices wasn't enough to tempt me back once the spell was broken.

Pure shit which makes no sense.

Instead, I watched "The Wailing", hoping that South Korea was going to deliver the goods like they did with "Gwoemul" ten years ago. I got really into it to start with as it ticked all the right boxes of "otherness" and "different", but alas, it was not to last. This already tonally-challenged abomination turned into pure shit two-thirds of the way through, didn't make a lick of sense to me at the end, and I gave up on watching and reviewing movies again. We don't even "do" Hallowe'en in Britain, so there was no point in burning myself out even further.


TV Shows of 2016

Other than compulsory viewing of "EastEnders" and "Wentworth", I mainly used the television to play Xbox games this year. I didn't watch any "Game of Thrones" except the last two episodes, and I have no interest left in "The Walking Dead", "American Horror Story", or "Ash vs. Evil Dead".


I did force myself to watch the entire first season of "Westworld", although after a couple of episodes, it turned into yet another one of those shows with more padding than narrative progression. The whole thing could have been condensed into one movie without all the "Groundhog Day" repetition, flashbacks, "flashforwards", and general messing about with timelines. Oh wait, it already was. Yeah, I think I'll stick with the original 1973 movie, thank you, rather than waste my time with another "Lost". Just like how the "Losties" were dead all along, I expect the "Westies" will all turn out to be robots when "Westworld" returns for another season in 2018 (when everyone has forgotten about it) anyway.

In fact, the highlight of this year was watching Donald Trump win the Presidential Election. Considering that I'm not into boring politics, I was still intrigued enough to watch it on the BBC, who dragged the final result out forever in the vain hope that it would change in favour of their fellow Lefties. It was great but cringeworthy late night television. Watching more and more American Democrats and SJW-types get well and truly served when Hillary Clinton lost was hilarious to me, and the fallout which followed on social media was like bittersweet icing on a cake already made delicious with their salty tears of misery.


It would be fantastic if Trump's win signalled the beginning of a long overdue worldwide change back to normality and killed the annoying Millennial religion of SJW-dom, political correctness gone mad, and the crybully victim-culture which the mainstream media has milked for all it's worth, but I doubt that it will happen. The Illuminati bankers and Reptilians from Saturn have had their plans delayed a little bit, but that's all. The fact that we voted to leave the EU six months ago in Britain and still no "Brexit" has occurred speaks volumes. As the old joke goes, "It doesn't matter who you vote for, the government still gets in."


In Remembrance


A veritable shit load of actors, entertainers, and celebrities died again this year, including several "stars" who apparently only departed this plane of existence just to upset millions of people who had never been fans of theirs before. Here are the majority of the ones I heard about through the wailing and gnashing of teeth on social media. I've highlighted the names of those I knew of before they died. R.I.P.

Lennie Bluett
Leonard White
Yves Vincent
Richard Libertini
Myra Carter
Anna Synodinou
Umberto Raho
Angus Scrimm
Ed Stewart
David Bowie
David Margulies
Brian Bedford
Conrad Phillips
Franco Citti
Alan Rickman
Micole Mercurio
Bairbre Dowling
Sheila Sim
Dan Haggerty
Lois Ramsey
Glenn Frey
Colin Vearncombe
Abe Vigoda
Frank Finlay
Terry Wogan
Dave Mirra
Richard Gladman
Maurice White
William Haze
Louise Plowright
George Martin
James Douglas
Nancy Reagan
Richard Davalos
Robert Horton
Keith Emerson
Sylvia Anderson
Paul Daniels
Larry Drake
Ken Howard
Earl Hamner, Jr.
Garry Shandling
Patty Duke
Frank De Felitta
Ronnie Corbett
Douglas Wilmer
Merle Haggard
David Swift
Martin Fitzmaurice
Doris Roberts
Victoria Wood
Prince
Madeleine Lebeau
Sylvia Kauders
Reg Grundy
Nick Lashaway
William Schallert
Nicholas Fisk
Valerie Lush
Ian Watkin
Rosanna Huffman
Burt Kwouk
Angela Paton
Harambe
David Spielberg
Muhammed Ali
Lidia Biondi
Ronnie Claire Edwards
Ann Morgan Guilbert
Dave Swarbick
Anton Yelchin
Sharon Douglas
Götz George
Stuart Nisbet
Robin Hardy
Caroline Aherne
Michael Cimino
Noel Neill
Corrado Farina
Seamon Glass
Ken Barrie
Vivean Gray
Terence Bayler
David Huddleston
Barry Jenner
Cynthia Szigeti
Kenny Baker
Patricia English
Arthur Hiller
Michael Leader
Steven Hill
Marvin Kaplan
Peter Comi
Gene Wilder
Jon Polito
John Hostetter
Johnny Rebel
Hazel Douglas
James Stacy
Alexis Arquette
Todd Kimsey
Herschell Gordon Lewis
Peter Collingwood
Laura Troschel
Pete Burns
Gary Dubin
Ricky Callan
Jean Alexander
Richard Cavendish
Margaret Ashcroft
Lene Tiemroth
John Carson
Robert Vaughn
Lisa Lynn Masters
Yevgeni Lazarev
Andrew Sachs
Colonel Abrams
Bernard Gallagher
Valerie Gaunt
Van Williams
Alice Drummond
Don Calfa
Margaret Whitton
Peter Vaughan
Greg Lake
Walter Swinburn
Alan Thicke
Bernard Fox
Rick Parfitt

...and this evil fuck. Burn in Hell!


Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

December 14, 2016

M.R. James' Ghost Stories for Christmas with Christopher Lee

The late Sir Christopher Lee narrates a series of four half-hour ghost stories by M.R. James. Originally shown on BBC2 during the last week of December, 2000.

Watch them while you can!


The Stalls of Barchester (December 23rd, 2000)




The Ash Tree (December 26th, 2000)




Number 13 (December 29th, 2000)




A Warning to the Curious (December 31st, 2000)




Buy them on DVD from Amazon here: Ghost Stories for Christmas (Expanded 6-Disc Collection Box Set) [DVD] - Note: Does not include Christopher Lee reading "The Ash Tree".