June 3, 2012

Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

"In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen."

You probably know me well enough by now that you may have expected me to review "Snow White: A Tale of Terror" (1997) instead of this recent, even more kiddie-friendly, PG-13 crapfest. I'm not going to disappoint you either since I'm definitely going to mention it a few times.

To begin with, though, there are a ton of questions still going through my mind after just watching this CGI-fuelled Summer abomination which I have to get out of the way.

Who in their right mind thought that Kristen Stewart would make a good Snow White? As much as I liked her as Bella in "Twilight", she just doesn't have the right looks for the part. I'm not being mean for the sake of being funny (or a bitch) especially as I would certainly not kick her out of bed to get to a packet of Hobnobs, but, seriously, is the world now that short of beautiful actresses that the only one they could find for the role was Kristen Stewart? Were there no English actresses who could've been better in the role and who would've used their own accents?

Of course, being a big admirer of Monica Keena in the previous "Snow White" TV-horror-movie may have left me a bit prejudiced. Even so, was Liv Tyler, Anne Hathaway or any other dark-haired and pale-skinned beauty not considered? I can't actually think of any well known British actresses apart from Michelle Ryan who would have been better suited to the role but, back in the day, Gina McKee would have been my choice for sure.

And what was the deal with Chris Hemsworth channelling Gerard Butler's accent? For the love of God, he's an Aussie and has started to look increasingly more like a monkey with every year since he left "Home and Away". How was he thought of as romantic leading man material? Was this the best that the producers could come up with to sell the movie to all the "Thor" fans (who probably didn't even notice that his hammer was now an axe) or, even worse, the tweenagers who thought that "The Cabin in the Woods" was the scariest and most groundbreaking horror movie ever. Give me a break!

I have to say something about the "dwarves" too. In case you didn't realise it, none of them were actually dwarves. Instead, they were made up of a collection of Britain's oldest and ugliest character actors who are all long since past their sell by date. Did you recognise Bob Hoskins in that group? No? Me neither until I looked up the cast list. How time flies and how sad it is that we all get older. But weren't any real "little people" available? What about Shorty Rossi and his crew? Maybe they were all too busy rescuing pitbulls to do a real acting job. Yeah, right.

Of course, the biggest flaw in the whole fiasco was casting Charlize Theron as the evil queen. Although she was a million times more beautiful than Sigourney Weaver (except in "Galaxy Quest" where that blonde wig made her uber hot), she really can't act. Based on her performance as Ravenna in "Snow White and the Huntsman", she can't speak very quickly either. Of course, that wasn't the only reason why the movie felt like it was at least two hours too long.

The bottom line is that, in spite of all the "big names" used to sell this junk, it was, basically, dull. It was as bland as watching Milla Jovovich in "The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc" (1999), and I'll be damned if it didn't turn into that very same movie at the end!

I could rant about this all day but, let's face it, apart from a couple of scenes, it's not a horror movie and I'm far from being the target audience for this kind of thing. I hated everything about "The Lord of the Rings" too so the chances are that this may have been a similar looking masterpiece which has gone way over my head. I highly doubt it though.

Since Charlize Theron was the only good reason to watch "Snow White and the Huntsman", I recommend that you watch her lookalike Christine Guldbrandsen (who represented Norway in the Eurovision Song Contest 2006) appropriately singing "Alvedansen" instead. As it's all about her looks, you'll get the same pleasure and save yourself $10. Enjoy!

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