August 22, 2011

Crap I've watched on Netflix - part 7

Last night I put these films on for company while I did more interesting things such as playing on Twitter and cutting my toenails. Yes, sarcasm is indeed one more service which I offer for free.

Slaughter NightSlaughter Night (2006)

"A group of friends venture into a mine where convicted killers were once forced to off themselves in this award-winning Dutch horror film. Shaken by her father's death, teen Kristel (Victoria Koblenko) travels to the mine to retrieve his things. Unaware that the mine company once sent convicts to their death by making them ignite gas leaks, the friends unwittingly disturb the spirit of a killer who seizes the chance to kill again after 100 years."

There are a lot of reasons why the Dutch aren't famous for making horror films and "Slachtnacht" was the epitome of all of them. It started out promisingly enough but just turned into one of the most badly edited and jerkily filmed borefests that I've ever barely made it through. All I learned was that Ukrainian girls are slightly prettier than Dutch girls. Cloning "My Bloody Valentine" without any action until right at the end was a big mistake.

Three Extremes IIThree... Extremes II (2002)

"Three of Asia's most prominent horror directors - Ji-woon Kim, Nonzee Nimibutr and Peter Chan - offer up some of their creepiest tales in this spine-chilling collection of short films. In Kim's 'Memories,' a husband awakens to find a mutilated body in his car. In Nimibutr's 'The Wheel,' a Thai village is terrorized by colorful puppets. And in Chan's 'Going Home,' a father is held captive by a man who keeps his dead wife alive."

This was simply not up to the same standard as the original "Three Extremes" and that anthology had its fair share of flaws too. "Memories" looked good but was just boring. "The Wheel" looked awful, promised too much and was confusing. Only "Going Home" was any good and even then it wasn't any better than one of the poorer "Twilight Zone" episodes. Nothing scary here.

Devil's OffspringDevils Offspring (2001)

"Four students contend with evil beyond their wildest nightmares in this supernatural chiller starring Michael Wong and Pinky Cheung. When the youngsters move into a dormitory for a summer session, they believe they're in for the time of their lives. But when a girl is found dead and a string of bizarre events ensues, they suspect that the ultimate evil - the daughter of Satan, disguised as one of their own - is stalking them."

When exactly was this really made? It didn't look like a film from this century and was so badly translated that I couldn't work out what was going on. Curiously, it was also dubbed but not into English. I gave up after 20 minutes so I have no idea what it was about.

The VictimThe Victim (2006)

"After actress Ting (Pitchanart Sakakorn) reenacts the violent murder of former beauty queen Meen (Apasiri Nitibhon) in a movie, she experiences a mystical connection with the dead woman and begins to have horrific visions in this spine-chiller from Thailand. Driven by the nightmarish pictures in her head, Ting decides to look into the mysterious murder herself. She soon discovers evidence that the killer may still be on the loose."

I'm still not sure if this was supposed to be a comedy of some kind. I watched nearly half of it but couldn't get interested in it even though the relationship between the cop and the girl was kind of sweet. Maybe I'll give this one another try some time but it was very cheap and I don't think I'd ever have the attention span to work out what was happening with the ghost story.

Are You in the House Alone!Are You in the House Alone? (1978)

"Teenager Gail Osborne (Kathleen Beller) is plagued by strange phone calls and a series of scary notes left in her school locker. She sets out to identify the culprit, but her terror mounts when the man begins calling her while she's out baby-sitting. The suspects include her boyfriend (Scott Colomby), her best friend's beau (Dennis Quaid) and a creepy teacher. Blythe Danner co-stars as Gail's mother in this disturbing thriller."

It's nice of Netflix to stream movies which are only available on VHS but not when they are made-for-TV dramas about rape victims. The title and description made me think that it was a clone of some more obvious horror movies but it was far from it. I suppose it's notable for an early appearance by Dennis Quaid but everybody else's acting was so wooden that I didn't care.

Oh well, that was another absolutely mind-numbing night over. One of the highlights was being asked by my favourite Russian pop singer on Twitter, "Do you like me?" I would have been facetious and told her, "No. That's why we're mutually following each other and I hang on your every word." but I don't know enough Russian to get away with it. I also managed to trim my "sloths" immaculately.

No comments:

Post a Comment