August 4, 2011

Crap I've watched on Netflix - part 1

I really hate badly made films but, owing to the dearth of any horrors that I haven't already seen, I've recently been going through Netflix watching a few minutes here and there of some absolutely abysmal crap.

BloodBlood (2009)

"The murder of a maid leads Tokyo cop Hoshino (Kanji Tsuda) from the remote country estate of oddly ageless Miyako (Aya Sugimoto) to the back room of urbane businessman Ukyo (Jun Kaname), whom the tenacious detective surprises in vampiric mid-meal. In this sleek horror thriller, the onetime samurai tells of his fateful transformation at the hands of femme fatale Miyako, while the hard-boiled Hoshino struggles to resist the siren's toothsome call."

This was boring as hell apart from all the sex scenes and other erotic moments. Stupid "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style fights and even worse CGI snow had me fast-forwarding as much as I could. The actresses were all incredibly beautiful but there was far too much whinging and moaning about what it's like to live forever just like every other vampire film in the last 20 years.

Vampire Girl vs.Frankenstein GirlVampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl (2009)

"While trying to win a handsome classmate's heart, vampire girl Monami (Yukie Kawamura) slaughters female rival Keiko (Eri Otoguro). But after being rebuilt like a mighty Frankenstein, Keiko seeks out her supernatural adversary for a brutal rematch of epic proportions. Based on a manga by Shungiku Uchida, this grisly horror movie features exploding heads, severed limbs and ridiculous amounts of fake blood."

If it hadn't been for the pretty vampire girl, Yukie Kawamura, I would have switched this off in the first five minutes and never returned to it again. Any vampire film which goes for a close-up on the fangs and shows the dental adhesive which is holding them in place is really not worth watching. This was cheap and not nearly as funny as it thought itself to be.

Living DeathLiving Death (2006)

"Kristy Swanson (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) stars as Elizabeth, a spoiled and greedy wife who conspires to kill her wealthy husband, Victor. After an unfortunate incident with a poisonous blowfish, Victor succumbs to a horrific death. But he's not out of the picture yet: Victor returns from the grave to exact revenge on Elizabeth and her new lover. Shades of Double Indemnity and Edgar Allan Poe haunt this dark tale of deceit, murder and revenge."

If I had wanted to watch a poor man's version of "Buried Alive", I would have just watched "Buried Alive" again instead. I honestly didn't have any patience with this film at all. I watched the first ten minutes and the last ten minutes and fast-forwarded through everything else, stopping occasionally to see if anything exciting was going to happen. It didn't.

George A. Romero Presents: Deadtime Stories Vol. 1Deadtime Stories: Volume 1 (2011)

"Horror master George A. Romero keeps you too scared to sleep with these chilling tales about a woman's frantic search for her missing husband, a lonely man finding a strange companion and a mother seeking medical treatment for her peculiar son."

Allow me to sum this up for you in as few words as possible: CGI head on a stick, a mermaid, and, oooh, a vampire. I have never been so disappointed by anything which I thought was supposed to be a horror TV series in my life. Tom Savini directed the vampire story at the end (which was the best of a bad lot) but it was all too slow, cheap and nasty to enjoy.

The Food of the GodsThe Food of the Gods (1976)

"A group of friends arrives on a remote island, only to discover that an unidentifiable ooze is causing every animal inhabitant to grow to monstrous proportions - and even worse, it's given them a taste for human flesh. Soon, the pals are in a fight for their lives as they fend off killer rats, wasps and even chickens. Marjoe Gortner, Pamela Franklin and Ralph Meeker star in this goofy, gory creature feature based on the novel by H.G. Wells."

What the hell? As soon as some guy started fighting a giant chicken. that was enough for me. Off it went. My life isn't long enough to watch rubbish like this.

This is the first part of what may become a pretty regular series of blog posts (unless I cancel my Netflix account) as none of these "films" deserve a full review.

Which crappy horror movies have you seen on Netflix recently? Name them and shame them so that the rest of us can avoid them like the plague they are.

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