July 18, 2011

It's not kewl, it's crap!

In other words, ten things which the majority of Western society now considers to be cool but sensible people realise are completely lame.

This doesn't really have anything to do with horror movies except that they often reflect certain aspects of contemporary culture. Either you notice it subtly in things the characters do or say or it's thrown quite blatantly at you with product placement.

Although I was going to write three horror movie reviews today, this subject has been on my mind for some time now so I thought this would a good moment to present it as another in my amusing series of "top ten" lists instead.

1. Texting
Although America is still almost half a decade behind Europe with the use of mobile phone technology, there are hardly any films made now which don't have at least one of the characters carrying a cellphone. In horror films, we've all got used to the ludicrous trope of no signal being available leaving the characters with no means to call for help and having to vainly rely on their own feeble wits to survive. This is lame in itself but, in real life, texting rather than using a phone to actually speak to someone is the epitome of crapness. How long does it actually take to dial a number and say what you have to say? If they don't answer, you can leave a voice message. What's the deal with spending half an hour thumbing little buttons dozens of times each to enquire, "Wot u doin?" only to get the reply, "Nothin, wot u doin?" Should I ever get a text message from some obviously mentally challenged idiot containing something which resembles, "C U l8r M8", there's only one button I'm going to press in return and that's "Delete and block contact" from my phonebook. Seeing people with no grammatical or spelling ability with their heads down, feverishly pounding at their keypads, just makes me want to slap them especially when they do it in a movie theatre and I'm the person they are texting.

2. Writing or speaking like a "LOL cat"
Yes, you can has a cheezeburger now and you can prolly shove it where the sun don't shine, you illiterate, uneducated pleb. Is you so excited because iz the weekend? Gah! I've started to see trends on Twitter written worse than this. Some people claim that it's ebonics, others say that they are just being random because "random is kewl!". Normal people realise that it's just a symptom of poor education. I don't care if you are white, black, purple or if you are actually a cat, writing like that makes you look like an idiot. Imma never gonna rite lyke dat myself because it's shit.

3. Hello Kitty
Jesus wept, where do I even start with this one? You have a cartoon cat who is really supposed to be a little English girl as a logo and you think it's the coolest thing ever to place it on anything and everything. Shame on you Sanrio and shame on the people who have bought into it. I don't care how cute Katy Perry looks, Hello Kitty is not a fashion statement, it's as retro as 8-bit Nintendo consoles which are also outdated and crap. Want to look like a five-year-old in a business meeting? Go ahead and wear that Hello Kitty accessory but I won't be listening to a word that comes out of your mouth due to having my attention diverted by that hideous pink and white snot on your lapel. Don't be at all surprised when you don't get any respect from me or my money.

4. Wearing sports clothes when you don't do any sports
I'm not talking about trainers (sneakers) here as everybody loves those but wearing tracksuits and baseball caps when you don't run and certainly don't play baseball. This is compounded in Britain by the fact that we don't even have baseball. The closest we get to it is "Rounders" which is a girls' game. Come to think of it, baseball is a girls' game too. Tell me, how difficult is it to go to Wal-Mart and buy a t-shirt for $5 and a pair of jeans that actually fit you rather than dangle under your ass cheeks for another $8? Is the feel of spiky acrylic so much more comfortable on your skin than cotton? If you are wearing sportswear with huge logos all over it and you aren't in a rap video (or even if you are) then stop it right now! You are so uncool.

5. Tattoos
I always get flak when I mention this but, seriously, in an age of HIV and Hepatitis C, at what point did you lose so many brain cells that disfiguring yourself with an open inky wound which will be prone to infection seemed like such a cool thing to do? Think it makes you an individual? Think again. You are about as individual as all the other thousands of customers who had exactly the same thing traced onto them for $50. Want to be really cool? Don't do it. Try and make the best of yourself and be as presentable as possible. Come to me with your face tattoos and piercings dripping from your nose like an escaped bull and you aren't getting employed by me even though, if you're female, I'd probably still date you.

6. R 'n' B music
It's quite simple, today's pop music is a load of insipid tuneless crap. It's not just that I'm no longer a 13-year-old and can't appreciate it, it's because it has no melody and all sounds the same. None of the singers can make it through a single line without trying to bend the notes so far that you can't even work out what the words are. Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey started all this nonsense and it was cute because they were but now this is getting old and so are theEeeeEeeeeyyyyy-ayyyyy-Ayeee-ey. It's not "R 'n' B" anyway. Rhythm and Blues is Elvis Presley! R 'n' B is a manufactured pop product designed specifically for stupid people who don't realise that the beginning episodes of "American Idol" are a lot more entertaining than the final.

7. Praising crappy movies which no-one else likes
Being contrary can be kind of cool if you play it right but actually liking boring-as-hell, poorly made dross and promoting it as the Emperor's new clothes is nothing less than delusional. Inviting your friends over to see the latest Oscar winners on Blu-ray may seem like fun to you but I can assure you that it is the equivalent of asking them if they'd like to eat your puke for dinner if they are remotely sensible. The same goes for B-movie marathons, Ed Wood appreciation nights and encouragements of, "Oh, let's watch this subtitled film from Croatia about a poor blind man painting his shed!" This faux artsy-fartsy crap and appreciation of the banal makes you look like a tool.

8. Driving with your windows down while playing loud rap music
This tells me four things about the person doing it. 1) They are white, 2) They are young, 3) They have no taste in music, and 4) They are inconsiderate idiots. It's not cool to drive through a built-up neighbourhood blaring out the most expletive-laden rap with the bass thumping so loud that it makes the windows of the houses vibrate. I know exactly who you are we'll see who thinks they are such hot shit when you have to clean the dog excrement off your faux fur car seats when I throw it at you.

9. Facebook
Facebook has never been cool. Try not to confuse "cool" with popular. Compared to MySpace in its heyday, Facebook is like going from your pimped out living room to a barren prison cell where all you can hear is the moaning and whining of people you used to think were your friends. From status updates from people who play every game and just have to include you in their latest (cr)app to commenting one time on someone's post who you never realised was an emo manic-depressive until Facebook, you'll have to read everybody else's comments on those same posts for the rest of eternity. If people ask you if you are on Facebook, the coolest way to respond is, "No, I have a brain so I'm a blogger instead".

10. Buying an Apple laptop just to show it off in Starbucks
Listen up, nobody actually cares what you use to surf your monkey porn with. The fact that you are stupid enough to waste $5 on a cup of hot water and coffee granules which would cost you about 3 cents at home is reason enough why you aren't cool. You are a money waster, a fashion victim, and you don't even know how to use a real computer. Do you think it impresses the pretty girl behind the counter? She's laughing at you and she's going to be laughing even louder than the RnB-rap fusion that she'll be listening to later when her tracksuit wearing boyfriend drives her to the tattoo parlour to get a "Hello Kitty" logo branded on her ankle. Public displays of overpriced electronics is unbelievably crass and you deserve to be beaten about your bare legs with stinging nettles while a free-roaming toddler with jammy fingers uses your iCrap to text, "Imma gonna prolly CU l8r, M8, we can haz Ed Wud movee?" to his imaginary Facebook friends.

In writing this, I've realised that there are dozens more examples of uncoolness which are truly horrifying and will demand further posts. What elements of today's society do you consider to be the worst offenders? Are you as pleased as I am that the world is going to end in 2012 before it can get worse? Leave me a comment and let me know.

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