July 12, 2011

How To Survive Scary Situations

This has been floating around the internet for years now in one form or another but, after cutting and pasting together all the different versions, I believe that this is the definitive guide. I had it on my website for so long that I have no idea where I originally got it all from. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy!


  • When it seems that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
  • If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
  • Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  • Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
  • If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take some time to kill them, so be prepared.
  • When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
  • As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
  • Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
  • If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately, if you value your life.
  • If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
  • Do not take anything from the dead.
  • If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
  • Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
  • If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  • If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
  • Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  • If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
  • Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
  • Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
  • Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
  • If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
  • Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
  • Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast member to survive. Therefore stay with them.
  • The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat. (This is similar to the war movie rule about the guy with the picture of his fiancee.)
  • The guy with the testosterone overdose is usually dead meat.
  • If any of your companions (male and female) are on elevators that don't reach the top floor, stay away from them. They are dead meat.
  • When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!
  • Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
  • Never walk down a hallway lined with slightly open doors.
  • If your friend gets nailed by the killer, don't just stand around and scream over your loss; run away.
  • Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
  • Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
  • Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.
  • You're going to be mad at this one but do as your parents asked and stay a virgin. Have sex and you die, it's the sin element in it.
  • If you happen to be in a graveyard, abandoned house, or any other spooky place and a black cat comes out of no where acting overly friendly, kill the little bastard. As for the demonic children, this could take a while.
  • Beware of talking or overly life-like toys and/or dolls. You saw what happened with Chuckie.
  • Don't mess around with dead flesh to create a monster of sorts. If you succede it will ultimately turn on you and kill you.
  • If you are a well-endowed female, you'll be the first one to die, especially if you take your clothes off.
  • If you run a hotel in the middle of nowhere and a strange man comes to it and is very jumpy and seems to be in a hurry something terrible is going to happen.
  • Never pick up a stranger if he or she looks like Santa Claus.
  • If trees or other inanimate objects begin to eat your children, collect the remaining children and leave immediately.
  • If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any colour) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
  • If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed.
  • If your parents tell you that there is no need to worry, that there is no such thing as monsters, do not believe them. Go! Do not stay to save them, they are doomed no matter what you do.
  • If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.
  • If you come to a small town and all the residents stare at you and act very strange, do not stop for the night. Trying to save the one person who seems normal and very frightened is a waste of time.
  • If all the residents of a town or neighbourhood tell you that a house is haunted and that anyone spending the night there dies horribly... Believe them!
  • Making love in the woods at night is a sure path to a bloody death.
  • At night, in creepy, foggy woods, that rustling in the bushes is NOT a bunny rabbit.
  • No matter how good a friend he/she was, once they become one of the undead, they will try to kill you (and probably eat your flesh).
  • Always check the back seat of your car!
  • The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/killer is dead or the hellgate is finally closed forever, you are in the most danger. Don't relax.
  • Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered a very bad sign.
  • If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
  • If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
  • Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.
  • Never accept anything from a soon to be executed homicidal maniac. Also, don't accept organ/body part transplants from recently executed homicidal maniacs.
  • Here's the scene: The locals are all terrified. Strange deaths, etc. One person is calm, suave, and probably elegant. The locals are terrified of this person, yet strangely deferential. If this person refers to the locals as unsophisticated, rustic, or small minded, then this IS the monster/monster controller/monster summoner.
  • If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning, no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really nothing to be worried about, do not let them get behind you. They have joined the other team.
  • As long as there are still three or more of your group alive, you are in danger. You are still potential cannon fodder. With two of you alive, your chances improve. If you are the last one standing, you may have some close calls, but your chances of survival skyrocket.
  • Never, ever, ever, open up a canister, container, box or other reseptical labeled US ARMY/NAVY RESEARCH PROJECT TOP SECRET! CHEMICAL CONTAMINANT.
  • If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them THEY ARE NOT NORMAL!
  • After you kill the maniac, don't stand anywhere near the body and don't drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because (1) they are not dead; and (2) you will be needing the instrument of death again.
  • Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.
  • Kill the greedy person in the group. They will eventually get you killed.
  • Never, make fun of the local yocal's stories about deformed killer babies in backwoods towns you can bet they are real and you might get it angry.
  • Never be the only holyman/woman in the group, you will either lose your faith and get killed or you will sacrifice yourself for the others and die.
  • Never follow the selfish/pompus holyman/woman in your group they will lead you to your death.
  • Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.
  • If the female or male in your group is too scared to shoot when the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the monster yourself or use your weapon to kill both the monster and your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your friend was dead weight.
  • Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
  • Nothing is ever over if it is still night time.
  • If it seems like you have awaken from a horrible nightmare chances are you are still in grave danger.
  • Please take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.
  • If you are drunk and hit the local gypsy/fortune teller/rumored witch with your car you might as well check it in because your own hideous death is sure to follow.
  • Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
  • If a monster/maniac is chasing you, never try to get the police involved, Either they won't believe you or worse, they will lock you up and you will not be able to run when the thing finds out where you are.
  • The police/authorities never save the day and if they do, look out because they are the killers/monsters and the thing you were running from was just a distraction.
  • Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. If you do this, YOU WILL HAVE NOT FUTURE.
  • Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.
  • Avoid the following places at all costs: Haddonfield (Michael Myers), Springwood (Freddy Krueger), and Crystal Lake (Jason Voorhees).
  • Don't waste bullets on a monster thats far away. You'll always miss.
  • When you make friends with some one make sure you know their past. And meet their parents. If you don't they might be the psycho killer/monster. And they'll try to kill you in the end.
  • Don't trust ANYONE! You never know who could be the bad guy.
  • If you're a teenager, don't go camping with your friends. Better, do not make any friends.
  • Do not ever choose archaeology as a profession. do not get involved with those who did.
  • If you are pregnant and your husband's been acting strange, LEAVE TOWN FAST, go far away.
  • Never eat or drink anything given to you by little old ladies, especially if it smells of strange herbs.
  • Do not ever wear jewellery you find.
  • If all your friends are dead and there's only 2 of you left, either you both will survive or the girl will survive on her own.
  • The Blair Witch taught us that you should never camp in the woods without experience.

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