September 25, 2013

Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

"The haunted Lambert family seeks to uncover the mysterious childhood secret that has left them dangerously connected to the spirit world."

Utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter shite! And the same goes for all the shill reviews about this stupid, confusing, PG-13, exposition-laden borefest!

No scares. Crappy story. No Tiny Tim tiptoeing through the tulips. Not even Darth Maul is in this one! It's just some hot chick with blood red lipstick and her dead transvestite son called Nosey Parker, Melanie Melonballs, or something equally meaningless.

I went to sleep after 20 minutes and tried to stay that way until the end. Unfortunately, a succession of excessively loud noises kept waking me up for absolutely no good reason whatsoever. I looked around, saw nothing scary, and vainly attempted to get back to my dream about topless mermaids throwing giant oranges at each other. Anything to escape this deafening remake of the first movie, "The Amityville Horror", "Poltergeist", "The Grudge", "The Shining", "The Silence of the Lambs", "Ghost", "Doctor Who", "Mork and Mindy", and whatever else it blatantly borrows from. Alas, it was not to be, and I ended up seeing far more handheld camerawork than I ever wanted to.

Then I needed to pee.

Easiest. Review. Ever.

MILF Mortis! Sexy Danielle Biscutti!

Danielle Biscutti, Rose Byrne, Brooke Peoples, Jocelin Donahue, Lindsay Seim, Priscilla Garita, Stephanie Pearson, Sienna Farall, and Dannay Rodriguez are all hot!

I have no idea who played who, nor do I care. There are far too many people in this cash grab to keep track of anyway.

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