August 7, 2013

Ten More New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

Because I said that horror was dead two years ago, some people may think all these new horror movies form somewhat of a contradiction. The thing is, I never said that no new horror movies would ever be produced, I meant that horror was creatively dead as a genre. I stand by that, and the filmmakers have continued to prove it every day.

Obviously, horror movies are still being made, and the existence of this blog shows I've been attempting to watch as many as I can stomach. Unfortunately, here are another ten which are so bad that even a seasoned professional like myself could not make it through any of them.

1. Battlefield Death Tales (2012)

"3 interlocking stories from the dark days of World War 2. A soldier on a suicide mission. A troubled family with a monster in their bomb shelter. A supernatural investigator on her most dangerous assignment yet."

Also known as "Nazi Zombie Battleground", this is an English no-budget nasty which I only watched because I thought it might be in the same vein as "Frankenstein's Army". Well, it kind of is and it mostly isn't.

It's a cheap-looking but nicely shot and costumed anthology movie with a horror/war theme. You can tell it's a "film school student film" because of the camerawork, but there's a little bit of talent there struggling to be seen.

A couple of very pretty girls who are ruined by their lack of acting ability and pronounciation of the English language provide the eyecandy. They do the best they can for non-actors, but there are too many extra Rs in their words for my taste.

I lasted for all of 10 minutes before I hit fast-forward to look for the non-existent horror bits.

2. The Sigil (2012)

"Rockford Illinois. Local boy, Logan Lewis, is reported dead along with 41 others at a house in Los Angeles, CA. The government releases a statement blaming a undiscovered uranium mine nearby. The bodies, over-exposed to radiation, have been confiscated. The house ruined and destroyed. Shaken by her brother's death, Devan seeks answers."

Bizarrely, this is an American low-budget movie which only has a British DVD release. I have no idea why that is.

I nearly switched it off during the faux found footage introduction, but I was intrigued enough by the conspiracy theory story to give it a few more minutes. I should have trusted my instincts because everything is too drawn-out and boring.

While the acting isn't atrocious, it's still extremely amateur. The girls, particularly the brunette, have such horrible, childish voices with excessive amounts of vocal fry going on that they hurt my delicate little ears. When they started screaming, it was more than I could bear!

I'm not sure how far I got into this movie because I fell asleep due to some kind of trauma-induced catalepsy.

3. Black Rock (2012)

"Three childhood friends set aside their personal issues and reunite for a girls' weekend on a remote island off the coast of Maine. One wrong move turns their weekend getaway into a deadly fight for survival."

I have a feeling that this is actually a thriller rather than a horror movie, but it doesn't matter anyway because I switched it to fast-forward right after the opening credits.

The affected way the girls were talking to each other in the car during their voiceover at the beginning set my teeth on edge. When the view changed from a black background, and I could see how plain they were, I had no interest in seeing any more of them either.

This might be a good thriller or a generic one. It's definitely not the horror movie I expected, and I don't care.

4. Dead Souls (2012)

"Johnny Petrie learns on his 18th birthday that he was adopted after inheriting a farm in Maine. Eager to start a new life, Johnny leaves home so he can began afresh in this 'new' dwelling."

Seeing the "Chiller TV" logo at the start of a movie doesn't exactly inspire confidence, so it's no surprise that this is another TV movie with no swearing, nudity or gore that I know of. None of that matters since it's a generic ghost story, but such things are too kiddified for me.

I may come back to this one at a later date because, apart from some obviously handheld camerawork in places, it doesn't look horrible.

It's possible that the storytelling may be fairly decent, but I switched it off after 30 minutes because nothing scary was happening.

5. The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia (2013)

"A young family moves into an historic home in Georgia, only to learn they are not the house's only inhabitants. Soon they find themselves in the presence of a secret rising from underground and threatening to bring down anyone in its path."

I wanted to like this because the mother (played by Abigail Spencer) is kind of hot, but that's not a good enough reason to endure the boredom of the rest of it. As someone who can't abide children, I found her little girl to be irritating beyond belief.

Having not liked the Discovery Channel version of this story compared to their dramatisation of "A Haunting in Connecticut", it only took 40 minutes before I had to switch this off too for the sake of my own sanity.

I still can't get my head around why it wasn't just called "Ghosts of Georgia". Even with my lack of American geographical skills, I know that Georgia is a very long way from Connecticut!

6. Kiss of the Damned (2012)

"The vampire Djuna resists the advances of Paolo, but soon gives in to their passion. When her trouble-making sister unexpectedly comes to visit, Djuna's love is threatened, and the whole vampire community becomes endangered."

This was recommended by a friend of mine because I like "Twilight" and vampires. Unfortunately, I don't like movies which look this cheap, drag this slowly, and have the most unerotic scenes imaginable. Yes, it's even less erotic than "Twilight", and that's really saying something!

The girls are pretty in it and have sexy European accents, but none of them can act their way out of a coffin... if they even have one.

I watched big chunks of "Kiss of the Damned" but skipped others until it was over. I might return to it one day when I'm feeling as lethargic as the pace of the movie itself.

7. Portrait of a Zombie (2012)

"When son, Billy, becomes a zombie the family chooses to take care of him in the home much to the chagrin of the neighbours and the local crime boss."

Another low-budget zombie comedy? But Irish this time!


Sorry, I have no interest in listening to a load of people who can't say their THs properly, or zombies in any size, shape or form.

I've always hated "Shaun of the Dead" and its clones too.

8. 616: Paranormal Incident (2013)

"When Special Agent Watts and his Investigation Unit are called to the derelict Woodburrow Prison he thinks it's business as usual. But there's nothing usual about Woodburrow."

Beginning with some of the most amateur camerawork I've ever had the misfortune to see, coupled with the worst acting, "616: Paranormal Incident" was never likely hold my interest for long.

Even though the blonde mother looks a bit like Julia Roberts with a bigger, floppier mouth, she disappears from the movie before she gets to do anything, and it's all downhill from there.

As soon as the "Paranormal Investigations Unit" appeared, I couldn't stand it any longer. I'm estimating that I got around 5 or 6 minutes past the opening titles before it became too annoying to continue.

9. The Haunting of Helena (2012)

"A single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history."

I might have liked this more if it hadn't shown "The Collective" and "Bloody-Disgusting" logos right at the beginning. That's all the warning I need, thank you very much. Once I've got that nasty taste in my mouth, there's no way I can possibly enjoy anything which follows.

Fortunately, this is just a cheap Italian movie (originally voiced in English rather than dubbed), so I gave it a chance.

It wasted that chance after 10 minutes because I felt like I was watching live-action prototypes for the cutscenes in a survival horror computer game.

10. Deranged (2012)

"Four young, attractive girls go on a bachelorette party weekend in a remote country house in Spain, owned by their friend looking for sun, sex and sangria. The private party takes a sinister turn for the worst as one by one, the guests are brutally murdered. The race is on to uncover the killers identity and either fight back or die."

Finally, proving that my hatred of crappy movies once again extends to my own country's feeble offerings, this British movie set in Spain is notable for starring Craig Fairbrass and a bunch of the plainest actresses you are ever likely to see in a low-budget slasher. One of the girls even looks like Myra Hindley!

I didn't even make it far enough in to see former-"Eastender" Craig Fairbrass in all his glory!

All things considered, I would rather watch "Spice World" than any more of this.

That's another ten complete wastes of time successfully tallyteered for "Woeful Wednesday". If you've seen anything worse, let me know below. This may be masochistic, but it's started to become a monthly challenge which I almost look forward to.

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