July 28, 2013

We Are the Night (2010)

(AKA "Wir sind die Nacht")

"In Berlin, a cop closes in on an all-female vampire trio who just took in a new member, Lena."

Actually, the synopis for this movie would be better written as: "A blonde MILF, a hot brunette, and a cute brunette who are all fauxminist German vampires adopt a much plainer ginger one. A cop who wants to arrest Ginger and her murderous new companions also wants to be her boyfriend. Blondie has an unrequited lesbian crush on Ginger. Much merriment ensues until each vampire dies."

In a nutshell, that's all there is to "We Are the Night". It's just like every other vampire movie ever made but with most of its inspiration coming from "Near Dark" (1987) and a couple of scenes from "Night of the Comet" (1984). Wags might refer to it as "The Lost Girls" one day, even though it doesn't homage "The Lost Boys" (1987) in any way except for being about vampires and being very '80s in all but setting. Some people might see a lick of "The Craft" (1996) about it too, but I didn't.

"We Are the Night" isn't a totally boring movie despite having hardly any kills or sexiness; it's just generic and horribly dubbed (if you only have that version). There are a lot of "Woohoo! Girl Power!" moments for the man-hating idiots out there who would be better off learning how to apply make-up or cook than wasting their time reviewing horror movies, but obviously none of these things did anything for me. I want horror from my horror movies!

"I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want."

Jumping out of aeroplanea without a parachute, going to nightclubs, upsetting customers in posh restaurants, stealing high-end sports cars and driving them badly, doing late night shopping in closed department stores, or trespassing in other people's swimming pools might be fun to see in a movie if you're a teenager, but my list of what these vampire chicks do sounds a lot more exciting than what's shown on screen. It must be incredibly boring to be vampire, if that's all you can do. So says a man who spends his nights watching crappy horror movies like this and blogging about them. Oh my God, my life sucks as much as theirs!

The only part of this movie which I liked was the brunette who's supposed to have been a silent movie star before being turned. She's incredibly hot and vicious with it! I think her character is called Charlotte, although it could be different in the German language version for all I know. Obviously, I had to look up that she's played by Jennifer Ulrich because I've never seen of the actresses or actors in "We Are the Night" before and probably won't see them in anything else in the very near future either. Look, it's German, and I don't watch many German movies due to the fact that they hardly make horror movies anymore, okay?

As a vampire flick with four alternative endings and not one good one, give or take the opening scene, "We Are the Night" makes a far better poster than a movie.

Sleep all day. Dance and go shopping all night. It's fun to be a vampire.

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