July 10, 2013

Ten New Horror Movies I Didn't Make It Through

Unlike Rex Reed, I'm not even going to pretend that I've seen these horror movies in their entirety. In some cases, I didn't even make it more than 5 minutes in without turning them off.

As far as I know, mutant space aliens could have appeared and disemboweled newborn babies left, right and centre with more gore than has ever been seen in a movie in the entire history of cinema. I highly doubt that they did or that such a thing would have saved these borefests, but if you watched any of them all the way through and it did happen, good for you.

1. A Field in England (2013)

"Fleeing for their lives, a small party abandon their Civil War confederates and escape through an overgrown field. Thinking only of what lay behind, they are ambushed by two dangerous men and made to search the field. Psychedelia, madness and chaotic forces slowly overtake the group as they question what treasure lies within the malignant field."

English Civil War soldiers swear like modern day Cockneys and (allegedly) eat mushrooms in black and white.

I switched it off after ten minutes.

2. The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012)

"An antiques collector inherits a house from his estranged mother only to discover that she had been living in a shrine devoted to a mysterious cult. Soon, he comes to suspect that his mother's oppressive spirit still lingers within her home and is using items in the house to contact him with an urgent message."

Some guy wanders round a house full of African tribal art occasionally talking to people who are wise enough to stay off camera.

After an hour of nothing happening, off it went.

3. The Cloth (2013)

"A godless man is recruited by a secret organization who works to combat demonic possessions in order to prepare a new generation in the battle against evil forces."

Danny Trejo, Eric Roberts, and some other people try to be Constantine.

I didn't even get through the first scene because of the camerawork and sound. Apparently, it gets worse.

4. Dracula: Reborn (2012)

"A modernized, loosely based take on Bram Stoker's Dracula novel, taking place in Los Angeles, California, where a wealthy Dracula looks to purchase an abandoned building and pursue the wife of his realtor, Jonathan Harker."

It's Dracula... again! Plus a bunch of incredibly beautiful girls and cheap CGI.

I fast-forwarded through it to look at the girls.

5. Knight of the Dead (2013)

"Hunted by raiders, a band of crusading knights escort the Holy Grail through a valley of black death where they must hack and slash their way to freedom."

Knights fight zombies for the SyFy channel.

I watched it on fast-forward because it's painfully slow... and it still sucked.

6. Jug Face (2013)

"Jug Face tells the story of a pregnant teen trying to escape a backwoods community when she discovers that she may be sacrificed to a creature in a pit."

A clone of "The Wicker Man" where an ugly pregnant girl is due to get sacrificed by hillbillies.

As soon as I heard the accents, it was over. I skipped to the end to see what happened. Meh.

7. Apocalypse Z (aka Zombie Massacre) (2013)

"A bacteriological weapon developed by the US Government to create a super soldier - spreads an epidemic in a quiet little town in the middle of Eastern Europe. All citizens have been turned into infected zombies. The plan is to bring an atomic bomb into the city's nuclear plant to pretend a terrible accident occurred. No one has to know the truth. A team of mercenaries is hired to complete the mission."

Uwe Boll does zombies and renames his movie to compete with the Summer blockbuster.

Skimmed on fast-forward to see the terrible zombie masks. Not good.

8. Detention of the Dead (2012)

"A group of oddball high school students find themselves trapped in detention with their classmates having turned into a horde of zombies."

A comedy? With zombies! A zombedy?


9. Lord of Darkness (aka Sawney: Flesh of Man) (2012)

"Scottish cannibal Sawney Bean and his murderous, inbred family are responsible for over a thousand murders over the centuries."

Scottish people speaking Scottish and doing typically Scottish things with no plot.

I gave it ten minutes. Nothing good happened.

10. Requiem for the Damned (2012)

"Edgar Allan Poe. For nearly two hundred years his stories of the macabre have shocked and terrified audiences. And now, inspired by five of Poe's most terrifying tales, five filmmakers have banded together to create the ultimate tribute to the master: Edgar Allan Poe's Requiem For The Damned - featuring adaptations of : The Fall of the House of Usher, The Pit and the Pendulum, The Black Cat, The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders in the Rue Morgue."

No-budget Edgar Allan Poe and a bad claymation cat.


Just think of this post as my way of "tallyteering" the crap which I couldn't get through at this present time. I might return to a couple of these movies later to give them a full review, but I'm unlikely to have the patience to do so. I may watch a lot of crappy movies for this blog, but I have my limits.

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