July 13, 2013

Pacific Rim (2013)

"As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse."

Do you want to know what irritates me beyond belief? Films like this and the fanboys who overpraise them.

For a start, "Pacific Rim" is a kids' Summer movie meant for little ADHD kids who like lots of robots, whirling things and huge explosions. It's not meant for adults even though there's a growing subculture of "weeaboo", "otaku" (Japanese for "idiots"), games console loving, overweight, comicbook convention nerds who all live in their parents' basements, grow neckbeards, and refer to the big robots as "Mecha" for some reason that I don't fully understand.

"Pacific Rim" is clearly not a movie meant for anyone of my generation (or the one below) except that a few sad acts who think it's hilariously ironic to praise utter shite have bought into it. It's those same hipsters who think that "Sharknado" is "kewl" and spend their entire lives collecting other ironically named movies and little dollies of Japanese cartoon characters. I despise them all.

So guess what I thought of the film after having been duped into watching it by Cosplaying internet friends who need to stop playing dress-up and grow up instead? Yes, that's right, I HATED IT!

Having never been a fan of Billy the Bull (Guillermo del Toro) or Michael Bay's "Transformers" movies, and being a hater of 99% of sci-fi movies anyway, there's nothing in "Pacific Rim" for me other than a lot of boredom.

I tweeted my displeasure throughout the movie, but I'm not going to repost all my Tweets this time. I may have only done that twice before, but the novelty has worn off. However, because it's Saturday, it's hotter than balls again, my neighbours' noisy brats are screaming outside my window, and I can't be bothered to dissect a movie from a genre that I have no interest in, I'm going to give you a list of bullet points of everything wrong with "Pacific Rim" instead of writing a real review.


Everything I hated about Pacific Rim.

I have no idea who any of these people are.

  • Rated PG-13. Gah!
  • Pathetic faux Jap-comicbook crap turned into live action for little kids and weeaboos.
  • The rift in time and space which aliens pop through sounds just like "Torchwood" 6 years ago.
  • Naming the robots after an alcoholic beverage was a smart move, but even if I was drunk, I still wouldn't enjoy this movie.
  • The alien monsters look stupid and are named after turds.
  • 75% of the film is all "yak yak yak" with no action.
  • Unrealistic, clich├ęd dialogue.
  • It's 4 days too long! Actually, it's only 2 hours, but it feels like more.
  • Gormless-looking Owen from "Torchwood" is in it... as a German.
  • Psycho Sean Slater from "Eastenders" is in it... and he clearly still has anger issues.
  • Basically, Billy the Bull got the cheapest actors possible and spent the majority of the budget on computer game effects.
  • Ron Perlman got millions of dollars for showing his big hairy face for all of 5 minutes.
  • It's a sausagefest! No eyecandy for heterosexual men.
  • Memento Mori (or whatever her name is) isn't bad looking if you like that kind of thing, but I don't.
  • No sexy fun time or other nudity.
  • The acting is horrible. The accents are all over the place.
  • Americans playing Brits, Brits playing Australians, Brits playing Americans, Australians playing Americans... and they have Asian surnames because presumably there weren't any male Asian actors available at the time.
  • In the fight between Psycho Sean Slater and the other guy who looks just like him, you can't tell who is who.
  • It's "Starship Troopers" but without the humour or exciting action.
  • The scientist isn't Doogie Howser but he still mindmelds with an alien.
  • No characters worth caring about.
  • Psycho Sean Slater kisses a dog. Typecast much?
  • No originality whatsoever. The plot is much the same as "Oblivion" but without Tom Cruise or the twist.
  • The action is like watching the cutscenes from a computer game which somebody else is playing.
  • Big robots that weigh more than several skyscrapers are (and have to be) carried into position by little tiny helicopters which could never support their weight in real life.
  • Making tunnels under the city for people to hide in saves a fortune on CGI-ing little people.
  • Watching two guys wearing spacesuits play Dance Dance Revolution inside a giant robot while fighting the "Cloverfield" monster is not fun.
  • Almost as many buildings get destroyed as in "Man of Steel".
  • Too many quick cuts, too much confusion, and it's hard to tell who is doing what to who or why.
  • No one cares about who is doing what to who or why anyway.
  • The cooler robots get destroyed before they have chance to do anything.
  • It's all very, very loud just to keep you awake.
  • 100% predictable and instantly forgettable.
  • I would rather watch WWF/WWE with two fat dudes in Godzilla suits fighting each other than this crap. Same result too. Dull and fake.
  • The Asylum could make a better movie. Oh wait, they already have: "Atlantic Rim".
  • "Pacific Rim" is more boring than "World War Zzzzzzz".
  • Even "Iron Man 3" is better than this!
  • Inevitably, there will be a porn parody and a sequel.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I don't have anything good to say about "Pacific Rim" whatsoever.

Transformers + Torchwood + Cloverfield + Starship Troopers + Oblivion + cheap TV actors (and a couple of former Eastenders) + CGI robots fighting CGI monsters = Pacific Rim.

Don't waste your money!

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