December 2, 2012

It's coming up to Christmas not Xmas, Creepmas or Zombiemas!

Okay, it's just a small annoyance that I've noticed creeping into the titles of various blog posts from other people recently, but something needs to be said about this and a few other things as well.

Christmas is the time to celebrate the birth of the Saviour of the human race who died for our sins. Obviously, Jesus' birth didn't actually occur during Yule or the Saturnalia which the Roman Catholic church covered with its own celebrations, but that's neither here nor there. The clue is in the name. Christmas has nothing to do with zombies, neither does Hallowe'en for that matter, yet the dumber-than-dumb continue to pervert the true meaning of the holidays.

Now I know a lot of you think it's witty, funny, or clever to make some crappy pun out of a religious festival for the sake of your lame blog posts which nobody wants to read anyway, but it's annoying. Just scanning the titles on my blogroll makes me want to unsubscribe. So let me just educate you about a few things before you continue your lack of originality and piss your readers off completely.

Yule, Saturnalia, or the great mid-winter festival by any other name has always been associated with the spirits of the dead. Not the undead or the living dead, but the ghosts of ancestors who hang around enviously watching the living. The crackers pulled across the dinner table, the protective spirit in the Yule log or the fir tree brought inside, and the loud celebrations with clinking glasses were all part of the superstitious rituals designed to keep the dead away from the feasting. To allow the dead to eat, also known as a "dumb supper", was a whole other ball game which could only bring bad luck. Early Christians associated it with a mockery of the Last Supper and their Holy Communion, but they weren't the only ones who showed caution. The Bacchants and Jews would have have turned away from such necromantic practices too so you can't blame the Catholics for everything.

Ghost stories were always part of the festivities. They predate everything as mankind feared what was lurking in the dark of the long winter nights and sought to terrify each other both as entertainment and a warning. It was "edutainment", if you will. While demons and monsters delighted the Eastern tales, in the West they were rarer. Man feared man or the gods more than any mythical beasts. Cautionary tales abounded in legends, folklore and nursery rhymes. You don't need me to tell you that they were the precursors of all our modern horror stories.

Jumping ahead quite a few centuries, the Christmas ghost story reached its peak during the dour Victorian era when Charles Dickens wrote "A Christmas Carol" and "The Mistletoe Bough" became one of the most popular songs. The great British writer M.R. James made another Christmas tradition out of reading his own fictional ghost stories to students at the end of term. This practice spread, but try as hard as you like and you won't find any tales of Christmas zombies. Zombies are not traditional Christmas fare. They never will be either.

To be perfectly frank, the slashers (Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees. and even Michael Myers) sneaking into the Hallowe'en festivities piss me off just as much. Hallowe'en is yet another time when the dead are allowed to cross over which has nothing to do with horror movie icons. Yes, the Catholics stole another pagan festival for their own use, but the original dumb suppers of Samhain/Hallowe'en were based on the superstitious acknowledgement that the seasons were changing, the Earth was dying, and nobody wanted the curse of upset ancestors to stop Spring from coming back again. It was the time of year to honour the dead although not without scaring a few of the meaner spirits away with hideous gourds. There were still no zombies, vampires or werewolves involved. If you want the latter, you have to fast forward to Spring for the fertility rites which underpin Easter.

I've oversimplified a lot of things here, but my point remains the same. Stop dragging zombies and other trendy American horror crap into European festivals!

America can't even make bread, beer, or chocolate properly because of its own bloodymindedness and arrogance which ignores centuries of tried and tested formulas that work. Just look at the state of your movie industry, legal system, or economy before you think you can start trying to be innovative. You've failed in every possible way, so it's time for you to get back to basics, learn the rules, and conform. I'm seriously going to unsubscribe from any more of you assholes who don't start toeing the line.

Oh yeah, and stop using the word "super" instead of "very" too. This crap started in Japan with their "Engrish" marketing hyperbole which the Californians and gamers who never leave the house have all picked up on. You aren't all from California so stop spreading this grammatical cancer along with saying "like" every other word in public. Think about the "Oh my God" phrase too since most of the people who use it are bloody pointless, hypocritical athiests in the first place.

Look at the older horror movies or even the amateur indie crap from 4 years ago which reflects society and you won't find all this "super fun" or "I was super scared" bullshit in the dialogue. You will find it all over YouTube because, let's face it, all YouTubers are narcissistic and thick as two short planks anyway. Those attention whores dumb themselves down intentionally or gimmick themselves to get pageviews and AdSense revenue. If you are blogging, you should have no such agenda.

Be Bloggers! Write properly! Stop with all the Christmas zombies!

While you're at it, stop promoting amateur handycam dreck too. All that malarkey was dead and buried 3 years ago when the rental stores closed down. Stupid people couldn't be fooled by garish DVD coverart which made them choose the wrong movie anymore. Only the lame cliques who like to get ripped off at conventions still buy into that bullshit now. The real horror fans have turned their backs on it. We want good professional horror movies not more Hollywood-inspired clones of something we could make ourselves after a trip to Wal-mart's camera section. Kickstarter/e-begging projects which nobody in their right mind is going to donate to and all that other fluff which makes people not want to read anything you say will kill your blogs!

Want to lose more readers? Just keep on doing what you're doing.

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