December 15, 2012

Horror Christmas Presents for Paupers - Part 1

What do you get the horror fan who has everything? It's a question most of us face every Christmas whether we are the ones buying or the ones being bought presents for.

The simplest answer is, of course, a big box to keep it all in, but that's an old joke and will be slightly insulting unless the person in question grows out of their obsession. moves house, or wants to dump all their hoarded crap on the local charity shops.

Money is tighter than ever this year so why waste it on little plastic dollies which collect dust, posters which will rot in their tubes, or DVDs which will be worth less than 50c each by the same time next year?

In the following series of posts, I will give you a few ideas which will cost you hardly anything except a few minutes of your time.

Blair Witch Stick Figures

You will need:

1. Four sticks.
2. Some string.

Step 1

Find four sticks which look vaguely like the ones in the screencap from "The Blair Witch Project" (1999).

If you want to be truly authentic, you can go all the way to Burkittsville, Maryland and pick some sticks up there, but any wooded area will do.

Step 2

Snap the sticks to length and tie them together.

The two "legs" should cross at around two-thirds of the way up. Another stick is attached where they cross to make a "head", and the final one goes across to make the "arms".

It's so simple a five-year-old could do it. If you have kids, you might like to make a game out of it. Be forewarned that Social Services will take your children away from you for doing this and slap you in prison, but that's America for you.


Although authenticity is best if you want to please your horror fan, bear in mind that if they like "The Blair Witch Project" then they probably don't have a great deal of sense, taste or discernment to begin with.

Knowing this fact will allow you to customise your "Blair Witch Stick Figure" to your heart's content. No sticks? Use pens, pencils, straws, pretzels or those vile chocolate wafer sticks from Dollar Tree.

You could spray paint your figure, use twist ties to hold the sticks together, or since it's Christmas, cover the sticks with glitter and tinsel. If you want to get really ambitious, why not make lots of little ones to hang on your Christmas tree?

You could even assemble a giant "Blair Witch Stick Figure" and use it instead of a traditional Christmas tree! Just don't dump it out on your front lawn after Christmas is over unless you want your neighbours to think that you are some kind of Satanist. Mind you, if you are a Satanist, you probably wouldn't celebrate Christmas anyway or care what your neighbours think.

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