September 13, 2012

V/H/S (2012)

"When a group of misfits is hired by an unknown third party to burglarize a desolate house and acquire a rare VHS tape, they discover more found footage than they bargained for."

I'm not going to lie to you, this isn't a review. I didn't actually get to see enough of "V/H/S" to even write the shortest horror movie review ever. I can't tell you who was in it, who directed it, or any details at all, and, quite frankly, I don't care about this piece of crap.

I started watching "V/H/S", and at the 15 seconds point when "The Collective" logo came up followed rapidly by the "Bloody-Disgusting" logo, that was it for me. OFF! I have nothing but contempt for those sellouts, and I certainly never wanted to watch one of their amateur horror offerings. I know I should have done my research more carefully, but honestly, I never expected them to go through with their threat to start making their own feeble movies.

Since I was stuck with it, I thought I'd better at least attempt to see what all the film festival fuss was about, but after struggling through the motion sickness inducing prologue and the even shakier first story about a succubus, that was enough. I PUKED!

More than that, I kept on puking until I thought I was going to bring up every meal from last week along with the tomato skins and beans on toast which I don't remember eating. After about an hour, because I'm a masochist, I even tried to watch the rest of "V/H/S" on fast-forward. I saw a few boobs, but the picture was jumping so badly that I threw up again. Bleeeeurgh!

Well done, whoever, for making a film so shaky that it was completely unwatchable. Bulimics everywhere will salute you!

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