September 18, 2012

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011)

"The Quileutes close in on expecting parents Edward and Bella, whose unborn child poses a threat to the Wolf Pack and the townspeople of Forks."

I wasn't going to review "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" until the final installment was also available to me on DVD since I wanted to watch the two of them back-to-back, but with "Part 2" so close now, I couldn't hold out any longer. I've now watched "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" four times, and I have to say right off the bat that Bill Condon made the best sequel in the series.

I was undecided about the whole breaking movies in two trend, but, even though the cynic in me thinks that it was only done to get fans to pay twice over to see the end of the story, there was probably no way that everything from the last book could have been included in one film.

Like all the "Twilight" movies, "Breaking Dawn - Part 1" took its sweet time over seemingly unimportant details. For most people the preparations for the wedding and the wedding itself could have been dealt with in a quarter of the time, but you have to bear in mind that the core audience is still made up of impressionable little girls who want to see all that stuff. As a fully grown man with no romance left in my soul, of course I thought that Bella was beautiful, but I was still glad when it was over.

Basically, I just wanted to see Edward and Bella getting down to some rumpy-pumpy. After about half an hour, I wasn't disappointed either. Although there was some obvious pulling of punches, it was all refreshingly adult, and the devastation of the bed showed that it must have been extremely rough sex too. Poor Bella.

She likes it rough.

The honeymoon period was, sadly, short-lived once Edward realised that he couldn't handle bruising Bella every time he diddled her, and then, of course, the inevitable pregnancy put the kibosh on them just enjoying their holiday.

Once again more time was spent on the details of the pregnancy than was strictly necessary, but it was still something else to behold. The transformation of Kirsten Stewart from beautiful to haggard was quite an achievement, and she really looked like a vampire baby was sucking the life out of her. Pregnant women absolutely disgust me anyway so seeing Bella almost turn into an anorexic-looking, walking corpse with a distended, fat belly is high on my list of the most revolting things I've ever seen in a movie.

Even worse was to come with the Caesarian section birth which was only partly achieved with a scalpel. I've watched the gruesomeness several times over and I'm still not entirely sure that Edward didn't chew Bella open to get the baby out. There was definitely blood all round his mouth and probably more blood in that scene than in all the "Twilight Saga" movies combined. It was lush!

Incidental to all this was Jacob being all moody as usual, a few fight scenes between werewolves, and a lot of other stuff which I had no great interest in. I can't stand Jacob or the CGI wolves anyway. His imprinting on Bella and Edward's baby to save it from the other werewolves was a half-expected surprise (since I've never read the books), but, alas, that means that there'll be even more of him in the next film.

As for the vampire baby itself, who cares? I'm looking forward to seeing her all grown up and pretty, but, unlike the Volturi who appeared during the credits, I had no interest in something that looks like a potato.

With the promise of a lot more trouble heading for the Cullens, I've included the trailer for "Breaking Dawn - Part 2" below. I can't wait!

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