My movie, which I'm provisionally calling "The Dead" after the four double-spaced pages of script which I have written in crayon (two years ago while steaming drunk), will be about a sexy vampiress, her partner who turns into a domestic cat by day, and their battles against a Satanic cult of serial killers who plan to take over the world by turning everyone into zombies. Everybody loves vampires, cats, serial killers and zombies, right?
I estimate that it will cost somewhere in the region of $250,000,000 to make this movie although $150,000,000 more than that would be welcomed for sundry items such as legal expenses and little cakes.
Ideally, I want Noomi Rapace to play the vampiress, Brad Pitt to play her partner, and, because I'm too lazy to write any more dialogue, I will require some seriously talented actors such as Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson, Robin Williams and Tom Hanks to fill in the gaps with improvisation. None of these guys come cheap.
As someone who has never made a movie before, I will also need a director. As much as I would like to hire Quentin Tarantino for this project, Ridley Scott is currently in vogue so the job is his should he want it. If he can bring his own crew with him and make sandwiches for everyone then I think a fee of $100,000,000 would be reasonable.
No movie is ever complete without lots of explosions, CGI, and quick-cut action scenes, so I would like to use Michael Bay as director of the second-unit. Sharing the spotlight with Ridley Scott may rub him up the wrong way, so $50,000,000 will be needed as a sweetener.
You may be wondering what you will get out of this apart from being able to spend another $100 at a cinema to see my movie when it finally gets released in 2065. Even though this is a Non-Kickstarter project, I am offering a few incentives based on the amount you donate.
If you donate $100, I will Tweet "Thank You" with either your name or a name of my choice at some point when I'm not busy posting pictures of LOLcats on my account.
For a further $1000, I will Tweet "Thank You" with either your name or a name of my choice at the same time as a picture of a LOLcat.
For $10,0000, I will send you an unopened packet of "Border Sauce" from Taco Bell which came with my last chalupa. Should more than 15 people pledge $10,000 each, I reserve the right to send you a straw from McDonald's instead and maybe a napkin.
If you donate $100,000, I will send you some fur and grit which I picked up from near Willow's litterbox. I have no idea if it is cat fur or human, and the grit could be anything, so be prepared for a lovely surprise.
Donate $1,000,000 and I will buy you a house in the flood damaged part of the town which I live in. This means that you will be able to see my mansion on the hill which overlooks your house every day for the rest of your life.
I'm not going to add any more tiers to these gifts as I feel that I have been more than generous with them already. Now it's your turn to show me how generous you can be by donating every single penny which you can't afford.
Because this is a Non-Kickstarter project, there will be no refunds if the target of $250,000,000 is not reached or should this movie never get made. In fact, you'll just have to trust me that there's even going to be a movie or that I have written a script for it. I'm a very honest guy though and I love cats.
Thank you all for reading this. If you've donated, have a nice day!