June 18, 2012

Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen (2008)

"Will Spanner, the reluctant heir to a dark legacy, is once again thrown into battle against the forces of evil when a series of gruesome murders begins to take place. The victims are all brutally murdered in a ritualistic fashion - the heart is missing from each of the corpses."

You may remember that I purchased this a month ago from my local pawn shop, but things move pretty slowly round here and it has taken me until now to watch it.

What makes my movie reviewing time frame even worse is that I interviewed one of the actresses from this, Zoe Hunter, way back in March 2006! In fairness, that was nearly two years before the DVD eventually came out and, in that time, I completely lost interest in the project.

If you are at all familiar with the "Witchcraft" series then you'll know that they aren't exactly outstanding. To be blunt, they are all a load of straight-to-video crap with some boobs in them occasionally. I don't think any of them rate higher than a two-point-something on the IMDb and, alas, "Witchcraft 13" doesn't even deserve half of that.

As soon as I saw the poor excuse for a menu that whomever made the DVD put on it, I felt any desire to watch the contents of the DVD slipping away rapidly. I'll give them that it was functional, but it looked as if it was done with a very early freeware Windows DVD authoring program. Have I really got disc number 94?

Once the film started, you'll find this difficult to believe, I know, but things got even worse! The quality wasn't even up to YouTube standard and the volume was so low that I had to crank it up to 200% to hear the horrendous dialogue normally. Suffice it to say that I wasn't very impressed with any of the production values. Also imagine, if you will, every expletive known to man that came out of my mouth as I tried to watch this piece of handycam shit.

The story itself was dull, the characters were nondescript, and the acting was virtually non-existent. I honestly believe that I have never encountered such an uncharismatic and uninteresting cast in a movie of any kind ever. I really hope that anyone involved in this was actually trying to act though and isn't in any way like any of the characters in real life.

As expected, there was some minor nudity but not, unfortunately, from Falin Proffitt who played Laura. She was by far the most attractive "actress" in this and it's a pity that, due to the awful quality of the DVD, the screencap above had to come from the official (and misspelled) trailer on YouTube.

My old MySpace friend Zoe Hunter kept her clothes on (which was a bit mean of her), another girl ate fire in her underwear (no, the fire was not in her underwear, that's just how the sentence turned out), and I hate to be so mean about it but the only girl who did get nude looked as if she was a pro (and not a professional actress either).

This was just porn video stuff but without any real porn or an entertaining story. Being the masochist I am, I stuck with it to see if at least the gore effects would be alright, but sadly, they were the no-budget kind as well.

"Witchcraft 13" absolutely reeked of the "Hey guys, I've got a camera, let's drink beer and make a movie!" mentality which reached its peak about 6 years ago. Fortunately, nearly all the wannabe directors, actors and actresses from that time have all got older (though maybe not wiser) and moved on to other things now so I rarely have to endure crap like this anymore. Even if they haven't given up, I hope that the former fanbase who once supported these idiots got sick of this rubbish and have moved on from it themselves. Movies like this gave (and still give) "independent horror" a very bad reputation.

Considering that I once saw this very DVD sitting on the shelves in my local Hollywood Video just waiting for some poor soul to waste a rental fee on it, it's no wonder that they went out of business and had to sell all their stock to the pawn shop. I have no sympathy for anyone who thinks that something like this counts as a real movie or who would try to pass it off as such.

I really can't think of anything good to say about "Witchcraft 13" except (as usual) that I'm glad it's over and I will never have to watch it again. This crap was absolutely disgusting on every level and a complete insult to the intelligence of its audience.

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