February 24, 2012

Miami Horror (1985)

(AKA Miami Golem)

"A Miami TV reporter is sent to a local university to do a story on a professor who is cloning a cell from DNA found inside a meteorite."

Since I'm sure that a lot of you who read my previous post have wondered what "Miami Horror" is all about, here's a quick review.

Basically, it's a low-budget, sci-fi/action film with David Warbeck in it and it isn't a good one either.

As you can hear in the clip which I posted above, the theme music sounds a bit like Jan Hammer's "Miami Vice" and threatens to become even more like Harold Faltermeyer's "Axel F" from "Beverley Hills Cop" at any moment.

Obviously, the box artwork (right) also reflects the same style as "Miami Vice" just to fool stupid people (like me). Yes, I admit that I bought this because I thought it might be some kind of parody/horror version of that classic '80s TV show too. I was misled.

Other than being set in Miami, there was no similarity whatsoever between this and the antics of Crockett and Tubbs. Instead, it was all just a really crappy Italian produced and directed combination of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" and "E.T." (yes, even crappier than those two which are already utter crap themselves as far as I'm concerned).

The only horror came in the form of a telekinetic, pickled alien foetus in a jar which, of course, isn't scary at all unless you are actually a pickled alien foetus with claustrophobia. Somehow it was controlling people like some shrivelled-up Jedi and growing in power, but what it's ultimate goal was is anyone's guess. The whole story was so confusing and badly written that I really have no idea how to explain it to you.

Between all the terrible acting and dialogue, the rest of the film was nothing but chases, shoot outs, and more terrible acting. There was even a brief bit of nudity from David Warbeck's psychic sidekick, Laura Trotter, who wasn't all that hot to be brutally honest. She wasn't as horrible looking as some people might say but she just wasn't my type and I didn't like her character.

Since someone else has posted the only good part of the entire movie on YouTube, I'll include it below so you can say that you've seen this rubbish.

For some reason which I can't get my head around, a mint condition copy of this crapfest is worth $50 to some collectors. The box on mine isn't in the best condition (there's a bit of the top flap torn off) but the tape inside is perfect (just in case some nutter wants to buy it from me). I bought this for 50c and I deeply regret spending that 50c.

I don't recommend "Miami Horror" to anyone except those hipsters who try to make out that such lameness is cool. In fact, I encourage anyone who believes in their guff to watch this film and then come back to me and argue why they think it's good just so that I can call them a moron.

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