August 8, 2011

Crap I've watched on Netflix - part 3

Yet more trash on Netflix which you'd need a frontal labotomy to enjoy. Personally, I'd rather have a bottom in front of me. Yes, the oldies are still the best.

Once again I've just added my comments after the Netflix description as I'm not going to waste any more time on this crap by reviewing it.

Dead and DeaderDead and Deader (2006)

"On a special mission in Cambodia, Lt. Bobby Quinn (Dean Cain) is bitten by a radioactive scorpion. Back in the States, he discovers he's become a half-zombie. But that's not the worst of it: His squad has turned into full-fledged zombies, and he must kill his former friends to prevent the infection from spreading. This action horror film is loaded with memorable zombie slaughter scenes and peppered with comedic pop culture references."

Obviously this was made for TV and was somewhat bland but at least I made it all the way through. This was probably the closest anyone has come to making a zombie into a superhero and they chose Dean "Superman" Cain for it. Ah, the irony. Not funny, not horrific enough, but still watchable just like paint drying.

Severed - Forest of the DeadSevered: Forest of the Dead (2006)

"When a forestry company's profit-driven decision to genetically engineer trees goes horribly wrong, a mismatched group of loggers and environmental activists become ravenous flesh-eating zombies. And although a few uninfected survivors remain, their chances of getting out of the wilderness alive are as remote as the forest itself. An ensemble cast stars in this undead gore fest that makes a run-in with a wood chipper seem tame."

It took me less than three minutes to want to switch this off. Tree-hugging hippies, gah! I had no interest in any of it. To its credit, it's all played straight even though it's only a Canadian ripoff of "28 Days Later" but with a tree virus instead of Rage. The jerky, constantly moving camerawork made watching it closely almost unbearable.

Infection: The Invasion BeginsInfection: The Invasion Begins (2010)

"When convicted killer Deke Evans (Bryan Brewer) returns home after serving his sentence, he discovers that his once-peaceful town is now the epicenter of a plague that's morphing everyday citizens into flesh-hungry zombies. As Deke becomes a reluctant hero in the fight against the undead, a reporter sniffs out the truth that cryptic government agencies will do anything to hide. Howard Wexler directs this sci-fi thriller."

The acting was so horrible that it was only 6 minutes before this went off for good. I have no idea what happens in this film and don't care either. I'm certain that I didn't miss anything at all important. If it was anything other than a humourless ripoff of "Slither", feel free to let me know.

Undead Or AliveUndead or Alive: A Zombedy (2007)

"Fugitive soldier Elmer (James Denton) teams with lovelorn cowboy Luke (Chris Kattan) to rob a crooked sheriff and skip town with the help of an Apache warrior princess. But robbing the sheriff proves easy compared with surviving a zombie plague that's sweeping the old West! Former "South Park" writer Glasgow Phillips makes his directorial debut with a new twist on that time-honored genre: the zombie western comedy."

Three things I hate all in one try, comedy, westerns, and even more zombies. Having James Denton (Mike Delfino from "Desperate Housewives") in it did little to encourage me to watch any more than ten minutes of this dreck. What I saw wasn't funny or even much to do with zombies so off it went.

The Quick and the Undead (Widescreen)The Quick and the Undead (2006)

"After a potent viral outbreak devastates the earth's population, hordes of ravenous zombies roam the desolate landscape. Bounty hunter Ryn Baskin (Clint Glenn) chases down the ghouls in a Wild West-like apocalyptic world while the rest of humanity tries to survive by fending off the undead flesh eaters. This funky fright fest from writer-director Gerald Nott also stars Toar Campbell, Dion Day, Nicola Giacobbe and Erin McCarthy."

From the opening titles, I thought this was going to be quite good even for a very low-budget film. But, no, I was wrong. There was no atmosphere, no credibility, and it just sucked. I think the hero was trying to be Clint Eastwood but that got old pretty fast, unlike everything else which was dragged out and slow.

Have you seen anything worse than this lot recently?

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