August 7, 2011

Crap I've watched on Netflix - part 2

I should probably rename this series of posts as "Crap I've fast-forwarded through on Netflix" because, in all fairness, I can't say that I've watched any of these films in their entirety.

Zombie NationZombie Nation (2004)

"A psycho cop with a weakness for killing his female arrests gets what's coming to him when a pack of zombie women rise from their graves in order to get proper revenge."

I didn't even make it through the opening titles before I put this on fast-forward and left it there. Unfortunately, I watched the last five minutes where it looked as if there was finally some zombie action going on but I wish I hadn't. "What are we supposed to eat?" asked one of the zombie girls. "Cheeseburgers, just like everybody else." replied the voodoo priestess. Yeah, that was enough.

DIEner (get it?)DIEner (2010)

"Slaying strangers in a lonesome country diner becomes hazardous duty for a roving serial killer after his first victims come back to life as zombies who are eager to make a meal of him and his next intended targets. Josh Grote plays the friendly and engaging murderer, Ken, in a well-crafted indie gore fest that extracts new laughs from classic genre stereotypes - including a bumbling country sheriff (Larry Purtrell) who wanders into the mayhem."

I'm not going to say too much about this because my friend Maria Olsen was in it. She was really good at the start but that was the only part worth watching. It was boring from then on and the background music was annoying. The saddest thing was that everyone involved knew how to act but the editing and lack of timing ruined it all. I switched it off after 30 minutes.

Mutant Zombie Vampires from the HoodMutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood (2008)

"When a strange cosmic event turns the citizens of Los Angeles into blood-drinking, flesh-eating, sex-starved zombies, a handful of cops and gang members form an unlikely alliance to fend off the insatiable undead. Soon the motley crew must make their way to a compound up the coast, where a scientist and his sexy daughter may hold the key to survival. C. Thomas Howell stars in this indie horror-comedy."

I was ready to switch this off during the opening credits due to all the amateur footage of Los Angeles but I stuck with it for almost another 5 minutes just to ghoulishly see what C. Thomas Howell looked like. Then it was back to fast-forwarding all the way to the end without pausing once.

Zombie WarsZombie Wars (2006)

"When a small group of rebels learns that zombies have begun breeding humans for consumption, they plan an all-out offensive to rid the planet of the flesh-eating monsters once and for all. After years of waging war against the undead, the population of mankind is reduced to alarming levels, with the dwindling bands of survivors relegated to living on the fringes of civilization, struggling to stay alive - but not for long."

I barely made it through the titles of this one either and was amused to see that someone had the cheek to call themselves a "Director of Photography". Basically, any film which was "written, directed and cut" by the same person deserved to fail. There were a couple of good effects during the opening fight scene (and they knew it) but that was it. I didn't expect much from a load of TV bit part actors and extras though.

Beast WithinBeast Within (2008)

"Terror catapults onto the screen as a new form of avian flu turns its unsuspecting victims into voracious zombies. Pleasure-seeking 20-somethings partying in a remote mansion must then battle the flesh-eating monsters and the infected birds. Armed with flamethrowers, brawn and scientific know-how, the friends barricade themselves against the horrors of the night, but will any of them live to see the morning light?"

Also known as "Virus Undead". This started off really well and the music sounded curiously similar to "28 Days Later". Alas, it was German and poorly dubbed. It goes without saying that it was cheap and poorly filmed too. I lasted for almost 15 minutes due to the pretty girls in the convenience store and then it was on fast-forward all the way to the terrible CGI birds near the end.

Have you seen any crap on Netflix that you'd like to warn everybody about?

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