July 11, 2011

The Top Ten Scariest Cats

Finally, in my trilogy of feline terror, I bring you the top ten scary (rather than "scaredy") cats. In other words, a bunch of evil, furry faces that not even their own mothers could love.

1. Pet Sematary (1989)

Church wouldn't have been an evil cat at all if he hadn't been brought back "wrong" after been run over on the highway. Indeed, sometimes dead really is better, as Louis Creed finds out.

2. Torture Garden (1967)

You would think that the name of this tortoiseshell cat, Balthazar, would be warning enough for greedy Colin. The demonic witch's familiar can make you rich and asks only to be fed with human heads in return. The painful mind control is just a bonus.

3. The Uncanny (1977)

Sugar may look like a James Bond villain's companion, but he is an evil genius himself and certainly no one's sidekick. As leader of a conspiracy against the human race, he knows all the tricks to make sure that Frank Richards can deny him nothing.

4. Good Against Evil (1977)

This black cat turns up every time something nasty happens. Coincidence or the devil in disguise? I think we all know the answer.

5. Night of the Demon (1957)

Karswell's familiar, Grimalkin, can change from a domestic cat into what appears to be a small vicious leopard. Reason enough to give him all the treats he wants, anytime he wants, I think.

6. Scary Movie 2 (2001)

Ah, Mr. Kittles. A pissed-off cat armed with a broken beer bottle? Now that really is something to be scared of.

7. Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Truly a "Cat From Hell" or merely a cumulative reincarnation of Drogan's victims back to get revenge? Either way, you don't want to mess with this kitty.

8. Strays (1991)

Do you think the leader of the gang is really Church in another role? His acting totally against feline nature by attacking humans doesn't seem to bother the filmmakers too much.

9. The Tomb of Ligeia (1964)

There's a lot more to this cat than meets the eye. Verden's dead wife has returned in feline form and she's jealous. The epic battle at the end makes the one with Mr. Kittles look tame.

10. Vampire Circus (1972)

Emil is really a vampire who can change from human form into a panther at will. Is that really so scary? It is if you're one of his victims.

Dishonourable mentions also go to all the demon possessed cats including the tabby possessed by Azazel at the end of "Fallen" (1998), Pepper at the end of "Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes" (1989), and the stray Roman cat possessed by Baal in "The Rite" (2011).

Of course there's nothing to really be afraid of with a domestic cat. Although dogs are responsible for around 30 human deaths in America every year, the number of people killed or seriously injured by cats still remains at 0. Don't believe me? Look it up. Apart from the potential spread of rabies, cats can't kill you with a bite or a scratch, and there are absolutely no reported cases of cats going berserk and tearing anyone apart.

What are people afraid of? The magical power of a witch's familiar or the sharp sting of a misplaced claw? If it's the former, they are deluded. If it's the latter, I think we all know who the bigger pussies are, and it isn't the ones with furry tails!

Contrary to the old wives' tales, domestic cats do not steal the breath from babies or gouge anyone's eyes out with their claws. The same cannot be said of lions or tigers, of course, but who in their right mind has one of them in their home anyway? You wouldn't even be able to watch your horror movies on TV with something that size curled up on your lap.

"What about the feral cats?" I hear you ask. They aren't scary but afraid and would rather just be left alone. That's why "Trap, Neuter and Release" programs are important. Feral cats are our allies. Removing large bodies of feral cats over and over again creates a vacuum and nature abhors a vacuum. Rodent populations rise rapidly without cats to keep them in check leading to devastating effects on our food supply and the spread of all manner of diseases. If Britain hadn't got lucky with the Great Fire of London, the bubonic plague which spread unchecked after thousands of "witch's familiars" were burnt along with their persecuted humans would have claimed far more victims. Why does nobody ever learn from the mistakes made in history?

Every year millions of cats are still wrongly tried and executed in "Humane Societies" for alleged "behaviour problems which may present a risk to the general public". Want to know the truth? All these shelters get far more money from animal control contracts than they do from donations, and they kill these animals just for the sake of keeping the money rolling in. Yes, it's a business and the people in charge are taking home huge wages for spreading disinformation and committing murder. They falsify the number of kills, promote a bogus front of helping the helpless and re-homing the homeless, and grab your money with their blood-stained hands.

Cats don't have behaviour problems, we just have problems with some of their behaviour. Unlike dogs, cats have domesticated themselves to us not the other way around. As everyone knows, you can't train a cat to do anything that it doesn't want to do. They are as clever and emotional as we are, yet there are some people who treat them either as the enemy or a pest just as a way to make a quick buck.

Ever heard the one about all the precious little birds that cats kill each year? Another hypocritical lie coming from a race which guzzles chickens by the bucket. Cats have virtually no effect on exotic wildlife especially when TNR is used to control their population rather than mass cullings.

Think again before you donate money to so-called humane societies. What they are doing is far from humane. By all means, adopt as many animals as you can from them, but do not give them any more money to pay for unnecessary "euthanasias".

Support "no kill" shelters and cat rescues with adoption policies which also guard against the barbaric practice of declawing. Let's try to have a little less evil in the world.

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