July 18, 2011

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011)

"There's a crisis in the Florida Everglades as giant pythons are threatening the alligator population."

Normally I wouldn't review one of these crappy "Mega" B-movie creature features from The Asylum but it's got to the stage where there are so damned many of them that I have to say something about this crap.

The stars of this film obviously aren't the awful CGI monsters but instead are the middle-aged, former popstars, Deborah Gibson and Tiffany Darwish, who, incidentally, also happen to be the co-producers. None of that made me even the slightest bit curious about "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid". No, what made me watch it was that it was directed by Mary Lambert whose name most people recognise from "Pet Sematary" (1989).

If you've followed her career through the IMDb, Mary Lambert got very lucky with "Pet Sematary", didn't do quite so well with "Pet Sematary 2" (1992) and then went even further downhill with more straight-to-video productions such as "Urban Legends: Bloody Mary" (2005) and "The Attic" (2008). Compared to the latter, "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" looks like Oscar material.

Of course, I hate it. I loathe and detest everything The Asylum puts out. To be fair, I also despise Troma, most films redistributed by Echo Bridge, homemade, no-budget, handycam nasties, and 99% of the Full Moon catalogue. I simply wouldn't be writing this blog guide to the "best horror films ever made" if I genuinely believed that any of that slew of shit were worth wasting either my time or your time on. Some people have blogs dedicated entirely to such z-grade trash but I am not one of them. I don't find this subgenre funny or entertaining. It's nothing but a rip-off and, with the present state of the economy, none of us can afford to waste our money on such amateur nonsense. Hell, it's bad enough trying to find a decent, professionally made, big-budget horror film without ploughing through all the confusingly named clones and enticing DVD artwork falsely advertising the content of the blandness within.

"Mega Python vs. Gatoroid" is NOT a good film. It's NOT a bad film that's so bad that it's good. It's just a BAD film. I can't even give it any credit for killing off the annoying old battleaxe from "Desperate Housewives" whose name I can't remember or for trying to be funny with all the fighting between former pop-rivals Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. Nobody remembers who they are now. The in-jokes abound but it's all too late.

The really funny thing, for me anyway, is that Tiffany actually appears to be able to act. She's certainly much better than Debbie Gibson whose painfully thin physique makes me want to start a "Feed Debbie Gibson" campaign in the same way that I once found it amusing to create various forum threads demanding, "Please Feed Angela Bettis!"

Although both Tiffany and Debbie have both been in other crappy mockbusters from The Asylum, "Mega Piranha" (2010) and "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus" (2009) respectively, neither of them has the star potential or acting ability to carry them off individually. Surrounding them with real actors, albeit mainly from TV, makes them look even worse. Together in one movie there is, of course, the potential to play them off against each other for comic effect and that is precisely what happens. But, as I said, it's not actually very funny and seeing two older woman rolling around on the floor catfighting is far more nauseating now than how erotic it would have been back when they were famous. It's a terrible shame that people get older, isn't it? Both Tiffany and Debbie have even been in Playboy years ago but I wouldn't want to see either of them in it now.

In fairness, there are times when neither actress looks their age and they certainly don't act like it. They are both still pretty but are teetering on the brink of "car crash" viewing, i.e. you don't really want to look but you just can't help yourself from ghoulishly staring. I still wouldn't kick either of them out of bed to get to my packet of Hobnobs though (not that I'm ever going to get the chance). Tiffany was never as facially attractive as Debbie Gibson (although I preferred her back in the day) but she does have a much better rack which she makes full use of throughout the film. If her boobs had been pushed up and out any more, I really think they would have popped. Actually, I would have quite liked to have seen that.

That's really all I have to say about "Mega Python vs. Gatorade" (as I shall now refer to it for being as vomit inducing as my least favourite beverage). There's no great story to this film (at least not one worth describing), the dialogue is awful, the effects are cheap, the CGI belongs in an X-box game, and it's all far too mind-numbingly stupid to enjoy. If you are foolish enough to stream this movie through Netflix, watch out for a cameo by Mickey Dolenz which may appease a few people who hated "The Monkees".

I admit it, I hate comedies and I have no sense of humour.

I think we all know where this film is going.

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