June 22, 2011

My Bad Teeth

Not really my teeth. I found these by searching Google Images.

As you probably already know, I rarely post anything personal on here except when I digress during a horror movie review but, since this is a matter of great concern to me, I decided to break the habits of a lifetime and share something intimate with you all. I have a really bad upper right molar and several more decalcified teeth that are just waiting to join in the fun.

Now I know what you are all thinking, "He's British and they all have bad teeth", but let me just ruin that Austin Powers stereotype for you by telling you that I had really good teeth until I came to America.

I can only surmise that my radical change of diet from eating fish and chips, kebabs, and every kind of curry, to not being able to find anything identifiable at all as food has led to this sorry state of tooth decay. Basically, everything that I've eaten over the last three and half years has been full of sugar, even things that shouldn't taste of sugar at all.

One of the most horrible things about moving to America for me was the loss of decent chocolate. With the demise of Cadbury's in the UK now too though, it was bound to happen sooner or later. American chocolate just isn't the same. It's more "vegolate" than even British chocolate, it's conched less so it's gritty, and, if you are really unlucky, most of it tastes like vomit to an English palate. Unfortunately, I like chocolate so I've had to adapt to eating the stuff and it has not been a pleasurable experience. I've often had to resort to buying the overpriced imported British equivalents just to keep my sanity. Chocolate is, however, a bad example to kick off with since, by it's very nature, it's full of sugar no matter which country makes it.

I've also succumbed to the junk food culture of MaccieD's, Taco Bell, KFC and even Burger King (which I really can't stand because it always tastes burnt). For some reason that I still can't work out, all these meat-based meals are loaded to the brim with enamel-eroding sugar. Even the bread tastes sweet as a cake here and, in case you didn't already know, bread and other cereal products are the worst things possible for human beings health-wise. We were created to eat meat, vegetables and fruit not grains. Even if you don't believe the rest of what the Bible has to say, there's a pretty good reason why Abel's meat offering was more acceptable to God than Cain's crops. Look at Eskimos with their lovely white teeth and remember that they just don't do corn flakes.

So, yeah, I'm basically just having a good bitch about the crappy food that I've been eating which is causing me to need to have a load of expensive dental treatment done. I know that I really only have myself to blame as I could have not eaten out so often and cooked at home more but, even then, I'd still be limited to what the supermarkets actually sell and, obviously, it's all foreign to me.

Over the years, I've made a lot of comparisons between British grub and the processed offal that the corporations are forcing into hungry Americans and it's not good. Where else in the world would a load of puréed mystery meat be so readily welcomed? Hot dogs, in particular, are vile things which we buy in tins in Britain, try once and never eat again, but they've somehow become the staple diet of an entire continent. Earholes, eyeballs, lips and assholes are all ground up with a load of MSG and marketed as if they are something that you absolutely should be putting in your bodies. I'm ashamed to admit that I've eaten them (though only for financial reasons) and, just like everything else, they are packed full of sugar too.

I don't want to sound like Jamie Oliver but, Christ, how did things get this bad? At what point did a nice balanced meal of meat and two veg get replaced by a bag of fat in a sugary-tasting bun? The reason seems to be nothing other than convenience. Hot dogs, hamburgers and all the deep-fried, dried-up bits of chicken are quick to cook and don't exactly need an Executive Chef (or even someone with a ServSafe certificate) to prepare them for you. Underpaid spotty teenagers think that they are line cooks just because they can stick something in a microwave and take your money for it. I feel sorry for them, sorry for the people who eat this crap, and, most of all, really sorry for myself for knowing better yet still falling for it.

Nothing is going to change because the fast food giants have got America sewn up. They even dictate what goes into supermarkets at a much higher level than most people realise. It's all about money and power in this capitalist society. You don't need to be a conspiracy theorist to realise that you are what you eat and everything that's wrong with the world stems from it. Obesity, mental health problems, war, the recession, and tooth decay are all evils brought upon us by the covert operations of the Illuminati as they establish the New World Order.

Of course, one of the alternatives would have been for me to eat like a vegetarian. Let me tell you, right now, that such a thing is so not going to happen. I'd rather eat a vegetarian than be one. Vegetarians are the most annoying, finicky eaters and irritating customers that I've ever encountered. Have you ever stood behind one in the queue in McDonald's while the pressured teenager behind the counter has to disappear for half an hour to go dig out one of the "vegetarian" meals that has been frozen into a block of ice like some old mammoth because it's been in the freezer for so long due to nobody wanting it? And are vegetarians any healthier than the rest of us? Hell, no. They have to take a ton of vitamin supplements and, news flash, they still die with just as many health problems as everybody else only quicker. I suppose that's a relief for some people though as vegetarians are always depressing creatures (which is scientifically linked to their diet) and make life miserable for omnivores everywhere.

Well, I've gone off on several tangents here but why not? It's my blog and I feel like it right now. I'm obviously really looking forward to calling my dentist in about seven hours time and trying to get seen sometime before 2012. I'm not the only one who is keeping him up to the wrists in saliva or paying for his Lamborghini and enormous mansion. Call me cynical but doesn't it seem suspicious that dentists haven't made a bigger stand against junk food? Maybe they have but I wasn't listening. That's another thing that I can be angry with myself about.

Brushing my teeth more than once a week instead of being glued to CityVille would probably have made a big difference too and I really should have gone through more than one toothbrush by now. The dentists recommend that you change your toothbrush every 3-4 months. I'm ashamed to say that I originally purchased mine sometime in 1999 and it hasn't seen much use.

My dentist often tells me that drinking four Monster energy drinks a day is pretty bad for my teeth. Supposedly it's like a thirty minute acid bath every time I guzzle one down. Again, it's the sugar, or in this case the high-fructose corn syrup, but there's nothing wrong with it in moderation according to the TV commercials. What can I say? I'm a pig for Monsters and I like the taste. Again, why should I believe anything a trained professional says? I only have myself to blame.

Anyway, I've had my rant and my teeth don't actually feel any better for it but concentrating on writing took the edge off slightly. I'm sure you'll find loads to argue with me about in this post so leave me some comments and bring it on. Maybe you'll even agree, who knows? It's just another late night post which nobody will care about once I write another anyway.

Horror movie reviews will recommence soon.

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