April 22, 2006

Silent Hill (2006)

Sorry for the delay but I had to watch this film over several sittings due to the fact that on each occasion this piece of boring garbage caused me to fall into a sleep so profound that a group of medical students broke in and performed major surgery on me with a knife and fork - and without anaesthetic - without the faintest possibility of waking me up at all!

I don't know where to start. Was it the tedious slow pace? Was it the boring music? Was it the nonsensical script? Or was it just the lack of any ability demonstrated by actors or director that made this film quite so bad?

I would say that the crappy computer game was slightly better if I had not once played Silent Hill 2 and found the walking up and down empty roads for hours looking for something, anything(!), to shoot to be even more mind numbing. Not exactly Halo 2 is it? This movie isn't even as good as Doom!

Yes the movie looked just like the game but how, I ask you, is that a good thing? The game wasn't scary. The movie isn't scary. There was an atmosphere of complete dullness to the game which also translated exactly to the movie. Both are also shit of the highest order. What the hell was Sean Bean doing in this? What a waste of acting ability! I only hope they paid him highly for potentially wrecking his career!

Ooh, but there's scary CGI monsters I hear them cry! So what? Seen it all before and done much better elsewhere. The acid spitting thing looks just like a cartoon character called an "ab-human" in Starlord comic from the 70s and I'm sure if the company who published that comic book still existed they could sue for plagiarism! Computer generated insects? Hmmm, The Mummy anyone? Ooh, but someone gets skinned alive. Big deal! Anyone see what Willow did in Buffy the Vampire Slayer... on TV!!! Even the pointy pyramid head thing reminds me of another comic book strip in 2000AD years ago which I can't remember the title of (I think it was called Nemesis) and that was shit too! It was the story that all kids avoided due to messy artwork and self-congratulatory "humour" that nobody bought into. I got the same feeling watching this film! I just wanted the flip the pages, or in this case, the DVD and find a good story instead.

When exactly was anything ever going to be explained to the audience? Why did the whole production take such great pains to avoid involving the viewers in the story? Little things just weren't explained such as why did the blonde woman, Rose, pull a blue hotel keyring out of corpse's mouth? Why did she even think of doing that in the first place? (Oh yes the graffiti dared her and it flashed briefly... oh big deal!) And even the boring "background story" given by the "Demon" (whooo, so not scary!) near the end, was about as clear as mud and as contrived as any story made up after the fact to try and add some kind of credence to this pile of kack!
What's with the nurses? Why do those guys dress up as miners? Why was there something crawling along on its scrotum with its feet over its head? Why has the sexy police officer got such tight clothes not a standard uniform? Why is her hair bleached blonde when she is so obviously a brunette? Why has that pyramid head thing got a pyramid head anyway? And why does Alice Krige turn up in this kind of rubbish all the time too?

I cannot give any recommendation about this film other than please do not waste your time or money on it. It isn't any good in any way.

This is the first time I have ever even considered giving a mainstream horror film negative marks out of 10. I was going to give it 1 out of 10 just for the female cop but after she was killed off pointlessly there was nothing in this film for me at all. I therefore have no choice but to give this a rating of -10 out of 10.

Silent Hill is the most pointless overhyped piece of shit that I have ever had the misfortune of watching. And if you think otherwise I suggest you rent a decent horror movie made with a real script, real actors and a real director and then, once you've realised your error, book yourself into the nearest psychiatric hospital for help!

No wonder western civilisation is collapsing if this is thought of as entertainment.

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