January 26, 2007

Lady in the Water (2006)

"Apartment building superintendent Cleveland Heep rescues what he thinks is a young woman from the pool he maintains. When he discovers that she is actually a character from a bedtime story who is trying to make the journey back to her home, he works with his tenants to protect his new friend from the creatures that are determined to keep her in our world."

This was the worst pile of shit I have seen for ages and, right from the beginning, I'm giving this a rating of minus 1 out of 10. This wasn't horror, it was barely fantasy, it was poorly filmed, badly acted and it didn't make any sense.

The "Lady in the Water" spent most of the time out of the water wearing nothing but a shirt but she wasn't the most attractive of sea-nymphs (or whatever she was supposed to be!) so it was a waste for the most part. She had nice legs but I've seen better.

This was, at its most basic, just a reworking of "Batteries Not Included" but without the feel good factor or cute little aliens. Yup, all the apartment people get together to send her home in this too. I wish they'd done it as soon as they found her though and I could have saved myself an hour and a half of tedium.

The CGI monsters in this were utterly disappointing and not at all scary compared to the description of them being the "most evil" things in the universe and "if you see them you will die" (as given by the old Chinese woman who knows all about them)... yeah, right.

A computerised wolf made of grass and some monkey things made of trees didn't exactly have me filling my pants in horror though I did almost piss myself with laughter. Well, I would have laughed if I hadn't been so stunned by how terrible the whole thing was that I was watching.

No wonder even Disney turned down this script. It's just a badly made little kids' film pretending to be an Asian bedtime story.

If I had made this film, I would have had the girl shagged all over the place for an hour by everyone from the apartments and then chucked back in the pool before she even had time to dry out. At least then it would have been remotely interesting on some level.

Just don't even watch it! No, really... I mean it!

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