August 15, 2006

House of Blood (2006)

From the IMDb: "A prison bus with over a dozen criminals on board has an accident and rams another car, in which Dr. Douglas Madsen was on his way home. Most of the prisoners die. Four of them survive, one of them severely injured. After having killed all the guards, they head for the woods. They take Dr. Douglas Madsen hostage. Suddenly a huge house appears in the middle of the woods. The leader of the group, Arthur, emphasizes that he will kill Douglas and every single member of the "family" if his wounded brother would die. Meanwhile some members of the family show strange behavior, and very soon mayhem breaks loose..."

Yes, that's about it really except that the "family" are all "cannibal demon monster" things and, for some inexplicable reason, all this happens twice!!! Well it's inexplicable in that this is some kind of weird "twilight zone" type trap set up for monsters to feed from but that's about all I could get from it.

So not only do you have to suffer the appalling camerawork, direction, acting, dialogue and crappy low-budget special effects once but then you have to sit through them all again as it all gets played out with a new group of convicts (but the same doctor) for the second half of the movie! Aaaargh! Now that's horror! Mercifully, at the end, when another bus full of convicts hits another car and it looks like it will all start again, the film ends! Phew!

The only would-be saving grace is Martina Ittenbach (Alice) who, in spite of looking like she has unfeasably long arms (due to the cut of the top she's wearing), is really my kind of girl. She has a fake German (actually she is German!) "Amish"-style accent with lots of "-eths" added to words such as "Cometh here!" etc. but you soon get over that if you just look at how pretty she is.

That said, there's nothing very good in this movie at all. The "cannibal demon monster" things are particularly crappy and the gore effects are over the top and unrealistic. An arm gets amputated and there are a few results of gunshot wounds but they aren't done well.

The story is drawn out and boring and there are no shocks or jumpy bits. There's nothing particularly scary about it either so I don't know how it even counts as a horror film apart from having the monsters in it. There's just a lot of macho talk and threatening going on but it never comes to anything as the monsters appear and kill everybody really quickly anyway.

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