June 28, 2003

Bikini Party Massacre (2002)

(AKA Massacre)

"Your wildest fantasy will become your worst nightmare!"

I actually watched this film quite intently (even the end credits!) but I'm absolutely sure that there wasn't a bikini party anywhere so I can't understand where the alternative DVD title came from. I did however see a blue tophalf of a bikini being worn by one of the characters for most of the film but does that justify it? It could just as easily have been a blue bra. Forty minutes in there are two of the girls sunbathing in bikinis but it still isn't much of a party. Oh well. All the girls are pretty.

Anyway, for once I'm not going to quote the IMDb for the plot. There are two reasons for this. The first is that the IMDb doesn't even have a plot outline this time. The second is that the film seems to lack the same thing. I'm sure they just made it up as they went along.

I couldn't make head or tail of it to begin with. It started off with some guy urinating on a CGI butterfly (which seemed to fade out in a weird way), then the scene changed to his girlfriend peeing. Okay, there's going to be a lot of peeing in this film which I'm going to mention. Do you think the director was trying to tell us something? Whatever the case, this really is taking the piss if it claims to be a good horror movie.

Is there a plot? I've lost my thread a bit now. Well, the couple walk along a path in the woods (while arguing about the guy's sister starring in porno movies!) until they find a dead body which was obviously murdered due to the knife sticking out of his belly and all the fake blood. It's not scary! We are taken, after the opening credits, to what happened three days earlier...

The story continues with a group of friends in a car who are on a camping trip into the woods. Oooh, how unoriginal. There is some amusing bickering and arguing between two of the girls at one point but I started to get a bit lost due to the appalling acting (I couldn't tell if they were serious or not) and almost gave up entirely when some weird "nightmare" scenes with bad sound started occurring. A nude woman with blood all over her wandering down some railway tracks made no sense at all. I think we all know where this film is going and it isn't going to get any better!

The filmmaking here deserves a special mention as not only are the crew visible in reflections several times but the camerawork is truly awful. It's all shaky and there are lingering shots over things which have no relevance whatsoever. I think it was just padding to make the film longer. Not that it needed any padding because it couldn't be much slower!!! I still have no idea what any of it was to do with the rest of the film.

Anyway, back to the story. The car runs out of petrol so the driver, Jeff (who is also the starring actor, director, producer and writer - Joseph D. Clark), goes off with a can to get some. On his travels some kind of pop video occurs (with onscreen credits!) and he ends up at the house of a fortune telling witch. She gives him petrol and, after having some vision of axes and blood, she tells him, "Don't go there!"... Yes, I think I could give you all a similar warning about this film. Jeff ignores her of course and so will you.

Things then start to pick up when they arrive at their camp site. There's a bit of beach fun and frolicking in the sea but the promise of some boobies here is just a tease. Perhaps this is the bikini party?

The really pretty girl (Jessica Psaila) sees her father's ghost then has sex with Jeff after both of them meet while peeing in the woods. Yup, more peeing. Can you imagine how awkward that would be in real life to chat up a girl while she's squatting and you have your own dribbling dinkle in your hand? How embarrassing! The sex scene which follows is quite amusingly accompanied by the cheesiest of classical music and isn't erotic in any way.

Time moves on very quickly and soon it is dark and they have a campfire. First a couple of them try to tell creepy stories and the guy who holds a guitar yet never once attempts to play it does his best to make them jump. It's so lame. I wish I could find a better word than "lame" but for some reason this film seems to have now rotted the part of my brain that can come up with a suitable English expression. Worse than crap is my next thought.

Then they decide to play "Twenty Questions" (but we only get two!) and everyone learns the "story". One of the girls was raped by her father and now sees his ghost. She has sex with almost any man she sees just to make her father's ghost angry. This is probably the most important part of the film so pay attention!

The next ten minutes are spent indulging in the revelations provided by the story. Every male fantasy comes true for Jeff while the "guitar dude" gets a go on daddy's girl. I'm sorry if that appears to be confusing but I didn't catch the names of the male characters other than the "lead" and I have no idea what the names of the girls are other than them being called Mandy, Randy and Sandy. I couldn't tell you which was which because I didn't really care about their names at this point. At last we get some decent nudity even if it is with more amusing classical music and comedic wriggling.

Finally, about an hour and fifteen minutes into the film (remember this is only 78 minutes long!), the massacre starts. Some random forest-lurking guy steals a lump of wood and freaks them out but it's a red herring. The kids all start getting unconvincingly killed with some of the worst effects ever created. Is it the freaky "creepy guy"? Is it Henry the mild-mannered janitor? Er, no... there's a big twist coming...

I'm not going to spoil it for you. You'll have to watch it to find out as you would not work this out in a million years (unless you watch the opening credits VERY carefully!). I actually enjoyed the ending more than all the rest of the film put together. It still wasn't, in any way, shape or form, scary though.

So what should I rate it? If it had just been the ending with about 20 minutes of the rest of the film added to it then I would probably give it 5 out of 10. Unfortunately the rest of it is attached so I can really only give it 3 out of 10. That's one point for each of the three beautiful Canadian girls in it.

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